The Ass Ache

Almost every morning I wake up with my ass on fire* courtesy of Eric.

It’s because we fall asleep like this…


Every night we go to sleep face to feet so we can rub each other’s feet and tushies while we talk…

And inevitably Eric gets his hand up my undies to the top of my back…giving me the mother of all wedgies…


I constantly ask him to pick my underwear out of my ass so my sad face disappears and he complies, but his hand always creeps back up through there and to my back…

And so I fall asleep with my underwear up my ass and then wake up and have to practically get pliers to pull it out of there…

I know what you’re thinking…just go to sleep like everybody else, face to face the normal way…

Like we haven’t tried that? It just doesn’t work for us…

And besides, I like my ass rubbed as I fall asleep….

So I guess I’m doomed to a life of ass aches and nighttime wedgies…sigh…

At least until my kids are grown and I don’t have to worry about them coming into bed with a naked mommy and then having to shell out thousands in therapy money…

How do you and your hubby*** sleep?

*you fucking pervert…you thought it’s because I take it up the back end? Let me assure you that’s an exit only area, although if that’s the way you like it…then to each their own**

**you nasty….

***or wife, or domestic partner, or sugar daddy….whatever….

Not Even I Can Make Public Urination Cool

I used to really be able to take it*…

But a few weeks ago I realized that I’m not longer able to hang….

I never thought of myself as getting older, but the fair proved me wrong…yes, the very same fair that wouldn’t allow ketchup

I’ve always loved thrill rides. Turn me upside down, zoom me along the track, throw me sharply from one side to another…this gal can handle it!

Or so I thought….

Until I got on The Avalanche…

Oh Avalanche, how I despise you…

Let me show you how the ride is…


The circles are the people…and that is us going around and around and around….and then it goes the other way…

Eric was on the ground with Brooke laughing his ass off at me as I gradually got greener and greener…while the three big kids were having a blast…

I just tried to breathe…in and out…in and out….

And when the ride finished I bolted off…and tried to keep my candy apple down…

And I was successful until Eric took the big kids on the Tilt-A-Whirl…then standing there in the middle of the fair I let it go…

All of it….


The throw up was so forceful that I couldn’t help but pee on myself at the same time…

Right in the middle of the fair.

It happened so quickly I didn’t have time to go behind the Headless Woman’s trailer and pee on myself in private…nope, right there where everyone could see was the way it happened…

And then I had to walk around in pee clothes for the remainder of the day…

Veronica was not a happy camper…and neither was I…

I really thought I could handle the rides…but alas I was wrong…

Well played fair….well played….

*and no, I don’t mean up the ass you perverts, that’s always been a no go zone…

Tell Me I’m a Fattie

Seriously people…this is what I need you to do…

Whenever you see me tell me how fat I am…

I know what you’re thinking…Holly! But you look so fantastic! You’re down 19 pounds and are so damn sexy I can’t keep my eyes off of your hotness!

And while I may be turning into a hot piece of ass so that I’m not the fattest bridesmaid I have a confession to make…

I’ve lost my motivation…

The last ten days I’ve slowly been turning back into my gluttonous ways…

And yes! I am so fucking pissed at myself and yet I can’t seem to get my groove back…

And everyone telling me how absolutely fantastic I look isn’t helping…because then I say to myself, Oh Holly-go ahead…skip your workout today and eat a quarter pounder with cheese! It doesn’t matter…you look fantastic anyway!

So one day leads to another and another and before you know it, my groove is gone and my back fat is coming back….

So seriously people, tell me what a fat fucker I’m turning into and how I’m going to have to go on Jerry Springer and have the firefighters come cut me out of my house because I’m so fat Eric has to wipe my ass….

Ready, set, go!

The Fattest Bridesmaid

That’s what I’m going to be this coming April if I don’t get my fat ass into gear…

One of my oldest, bestest friends is engaged and has honored me with the title of bridesmaid…you know, along with six other lucky ladies…

Six very thin lucky ladies…

Like not fat…not chunky…not me…

So if I don’t want to end up on some creepy porno website like chunkybridesmaids dot com, I have some work to do…

Because this?


Is not a picture I want to remember…and not just because I’m terrified Tracey‘s going to put us in some fucking ridiculously ugly dress…

So I’m going to do something about it…

And shut the fuck up, I know what you’re thinking…that I’ve said it before…many times…

Well this time I mean it…because I don’t want to be the fat bridesmaid…

And this time I know it’s going to happen…because I’m paying Annie a crazy amount of money to baby sit me while I exercise and eat properly…

Starting August 6th…so don’t give me shit about the McFlurry I’m eating right now while watching The Real World reruns…

So let’s all say goodbye to these 35 pounds hanging out unwelcome on my frame…

Bye Bye Back Fat…