Dinner for Ungrateful Brats Served Here

I’ve talked about my kids assholery here before…

They’re assholes for peeing on me, for telling Wal Mart employees my vagina is hairy, and for making fun of my fat ass in the shower, amongst many other assholery things…

But almost every night I get a big dose of it….and man…it makes me crazy…

It all starts like this…


(did you notice my new hair?)

But then this happens…


Brooke isn’t pictured because she doesn’t have the words to bitch at me…but when she throws her full plate back at me I know she’s on their side…

Do you know how hard it is to cook for ungrateful little people judging your culinary skills nightly? And as my mom used to tell me and my siblings…it’s not a fucking diner…so I refuse to make them anything else…

Am I all alone here? Or do all of your kids lap up every morsel you serve them?

Or do you all just rotate spaghetti, tacos, and quesadillas every night?

 

Why Kids Are Assholes-Part Five

All I want is to sleep is peace….

All day long my day is filled with requests from the little people that live here…get me milk! I want a banana! ┬áNow can I have a cookie? I’m still hungry, I want a cheesestick. Please play tea cups. Wipe my butt. Scratch my butt. Smell my feet. Play dress ups please. Can you build Disney out of my legos? Please play Monopoly with me. Get me an apple. I want juice! Wipe my butt! Spank Jack, he knocked over my dolls! Find my Ken. Please take us on a bike ride! Wipe my butt! Put on Sophia the First! Not that one, the one with the sleepover! Wipe my butt! Play tea party! Get me some goldfish!

And on and on and on and on….

Is it no wonder that I do a happy dance at bed time?

Can I be blamed for wanting to sleep in peace? This is all I want….


Is that too much to ask for? A good sleep?

But no….as soon as I get nice and comfy the assholery begins…


I know what you’re thinking…oh God Holly, can you be a bigger bitch? All he wants to do is snuggle! These kids won’t be little forever and their wanting to snuggle days are numbered! Don’t be such a cunt!

Well fuck you! I used to think that way too…but then this kept happening….


Sure, that kid is happy as a fucking clam, but Eric is hanging off the damn bad and inevitable I get pissed on.

Every. Fucking. Time.

Asshole.

Why Kids Are Assholes-Part 4

I have no privacy…

I can’t pee alone, shower alone, or dress alone…

In fact, I hardly ever sleep with my husband alone either…our children have mastered the art of cock blocking to ensure that no more children will join our family…

But I digress…

No privacy means that when I was waxing my legs I did so in the company of Hope who watched and asked questions the whole time…

Does that hurt mommy? How many times do you have to do it? Is that why you have no hair on your pee-pee Mommy? Are you going to do Daddy’s body so he’s not hairy either?

For 45 straight minutes I listened to her…

Fast forward three days….

Setting: The Wal Mart check out line….

Check Out Girl: (holding my box of Veet wax strips) Do these work? I’m tiring of bleaching my mustache, I don’t think it works good enough….

And Hope replied…


Yes. Yes, it was as embarrassing as it sounds…

The Wal Mart chick turned bright red, I turned bright red, neither one of us said anything else, I paid and left…

And it’s official, Hope is my least favorite, assholery child….

Asshole

Why Kids Are Assholes-Part 3

I’m exhausted…

Seriously…summer is kicking my ass hard core…you may have noticed by my lack of witty posts*…

I have almost no time alone….

There are little people following me around the house demanding drinks and snacks and a Monopoly Junior partner…

All I want is a little peace and quiet…these kids are frying me out….


But can I even have five fucking minutes?


Apparently not….

Fucking summer…

Are you getting any peace and quiet this summer?

*as soon as school starts I promise I’ll be back to my old self…