Thankful For Underwear

I’m totally lame in that before we eat our Thanksgiving dinner I make everyone in the family go around and share what they’re thankful for…

We got all the stock responses of family, Jesus, plenty of food…and then it was Jack’s turn…

What’s Jack thankful for? Underwear….

And everyone got a good chuckle…but then I thought about it…

Underwear…yes, I too am thankful for underwear…and you should be too…and here’s why…

1. From what I hear, balls are pretty cumbersome to carry around, wearing underwear? somewhat helps yield them in…

2. My kids fart. A lot. On purpose. I need a barrier between their stinky asses and my furniture.

3. Ladies, you know we need to wear undies…because don’t even try to pretend you don’t get that funky discharge from your cha cha…and do you really want that shit just hanging out on your jeans?

4. And really? I don’t know about you but Veronica is pretty sensitive, and she would be not too thrilled to just be rubbing all up against the rough middle part of my jeans all day…

5. Spanx. These totally count as underwear, and without those babies my fat rolls would not be camoflouged as awesomely as they usually are…

6. If having kids has caused your boobs to hang to your knees give me AMEN! So I know all you bitches are thankful for underwire bras…without which I’d have to hold my boobs every time I ran across the house who the hell is screaming now…

Yes, underwear….I’ll expect you all to remember this for next Thanksgiving when people ask what you’re thankful for…

So what was your answer this year?

*yeah, I’m totally linked up with Mama Kat

Tree Trimming and Pants

Before I draw you the picture of the unfortunate incident that happened to me the other day, I need to share with you some facts….they may seem random at first, but you’ll understand…

1. I hate pants. Shorts. Skirts. Really, I don’t wear any sort of bottoms at home, I’m a T-shirt and undies kind of girl…

2. Brooke’s favorite song is Party Rock by LMFAO…and I mean the real version, not my version of Party Rock.

3. In my quest to bring my sexy back, I’m in the process of tossing out my granny panties and have taken to wearing a cute cut of underwear called cheekinis…think boy shorts but with more of your ass hanging out…

4. We’ve had a slight ant problem in the kitchen due to the fact that one of the branches from a palm tree in our backyard brushes right up against the kitchen window.

5. We live on the second floor of a coach home.*

Now that we got all of that info out of the way, let me now tell you that the other day Brooke was pretty cranky and I knew the only way to perk her up was to get my groove on…so I put on some LMFAO and went to town….


Yes…that’s a gardener hanging up in the tree trimming the branches…watching me shuffle along to Party Rock…and yes, he did have a big smile on his face when I finally turned around and saw him there…

You think something like this would encourage me to wear pants in the house…but really? How often is a random gardener going to be up in my tree?

Exactly….

Do you wear clothes at home?

*But not for long, we’re in the process of buying a new house with a big yard! woo hoo!

#MaLo Underwear Makeover!

I usually have to buy underwear for Eric on the sly…

My husband hates to spend money on an article of clothing no one sees but me…

And so his undies? Can get pretty ratty.  I swear, sometimes I have to beg him to throw out a pair of boxers that’s practically just a waistband…but he’ll insist it has one more wear in it!  Um, no…please, let me buy you some new ones….

So I was absolutely thrilled when I got a pack of MaLo boxer briefs by Mario Lopez in the mail for Eric to try…and I think he was pretty excited too….

Eric’s a boxer brief kind of guy…so these were right up his alley…

He really liked how thick and sturdy the material was and how nicely they fit.  Eric is a caterer, so he’s on his feet all day long and really needs comfort to be a priority, and he says the #MaLoUnderwear delivered!  Also, Eric liked the designs on them….usually I buy him boring plain boxers, so he felt pretty cool wearing something stylish underneath those pants!

I love them too, I think they’re really soft and I like the way they feel when we’re snuggling right before bed….and I also love the boxers because they gave me a reason to not only toss some of his raggedy ones away, but to go to Target to buy more for him! Yay Target!

Oh yeah…Mario Lopez’s new MaLo Underwear really made my husband feel like a  sexy man….

*I am a member of the Collective Bias™ Social Fabric® Community. This shop has been compensated as part of a social shopper insights study for Collective Bias™ and MaLo #CBias #SocialFabric

An Extra Bulge

I was never a fan of the Wonder Bra…not just because even though I wasn’t always a DDD I still had an ample bosom, but also because after trying one on, I didn’t particularly care for having the girls right underneath my chin…

Also, I’m not into false advertisements…I never felt like explaining to my date* why my boobs were currently on the floor and not my chest…

Nope, false advertisements are not for this girl…

So imagine my feelings toward this new product…

Men’s Boxers from Icebreaker…in which The front pouch on these boxer-briefs is designed to enhance his bulge, kinda like a push-up bra for his goodies. 

All for the low price of $50 a pair.

What. The. Fuck.

I can’t even wrap my head around what fucking loser would spend 50 bucks on a pair on boxers to make his junk look bigger? And really, can we all agree that male genitalia, though quite nice to play with in the bedroom, is some of the most unattractive shit we’ve ever seen***?

And let’s just say that you lure me into your bed with the promise of what lies in those ridiculously expensive underwear and then I see a little pee-wee dick? Um, hello? Not a happy bitch…in fact…I may laugh in your face…loser…

But luckily, some guys may think that’s too much to lie about…and so resort to these undies…

Because there are times I check out a hot guy and think…yeah, he’s good-looking….too bad he doesn’t have an ass like J.Lo!

But now he can! Thanks to the Clever Butt Lifter which has two bands sewn into the fabric of these trunks give his cheeks some seriously sexy lift.  And for a mere $37 a pair…

I’m going to let you all in on a little secret…

Eric has a flat butt. I actually tease him about it all the time…

But if I ever suggested to him that he buy a pair of these he’d look at me like I’m crazier than usual…

And if I found out he was wearing tushy enhancing boxer briefs when we were dating I can pretty be guarantee that I would not have married him and would have instead laughed about him to all of my friends…

Because that’s how I roll…I ridicule the stupid people…

Are you all with me? Are we all going to stand together and laugh at these losers with the fake bulge and enhanced ass?

Or maybe invent an undershirt with pec pads and make a few bucks off these douchebags?

Who’s in?

*but before you think I’m a big ho, let me assure you that first base never happened before the 5th date**

**or fifth drink…whatever…

***and really guys, do some fucking manscaping….