Vacation Blues

Eric and I just got back from a mini vacation without the kiddos….

I’m a firm believer in time away alone…you know, to talk and laugh together, remember why we fell in love before all these little people came into our lives, and of course, to have fabulous uninterrupted sex….

And honestly? Summer has kicked my ass.  I am so fucking exhausted and ready for school to start so I can have some peace and quiet.  I have almost no time alone and end up yelling at the kids just so I can go to the bathroom without them staring at me.

So when Eric and I had a chance to go away for a couple of days I was prancing around the house singing with joy at the chance to get away…

And then it happens…as it inevitably does….

I end up missing the little brats…

I feel badly about leaving the four monsters behind….

Only a couple of hours into the trip and I want to talk about how much fun they would all have and how Hopie is going to sad that she’s not seeing the fireworks with us…

Jack’s going to miss Splash Mountain.  Brookie won’t get to see the parade and Blake won’t get to go on Toy Story Mania…

The guilt starts to overpower me…

I feel like the world’s worst mother for going to have fun at Disney without them.  I feel awful for being such an awful grump about summer and not having any quiet time in the house…

I think about maybe turning back and going to get them so we can experience the Disney magic together…

But just when my guilt was reaching an all time high that’s when Eric opened up the door to our hotel room at The Dolphin where we immediately had amazing sex followed by an amazing nap…

And when I woke up I could hardly remember what I was upset about in the first place….

How I’m Going to Survive the Summer

I have a really hard time with summer vacation…my main complaint is that it’s too damn long…

And though some people may argue that since I am a stay at home mom I should be used to all of this time with the kids, that summer really isn’t any different than the rest of my year, that maybe I should even homeschool the kids myself since I’m home anyway and really? what the hell do I do with my time?

Wrong-o!  A big fat negative.  Summer destroys my will to live.  All of a sudden I have four children who all want to do different things at different times and someone is always finger painting a wall when I have my back turned dealing with the paper that was glued onto the wall…it’s enough to drive any person crazy…

And so here is how I’m going to survive this summer….

1. When my kids wake me up at 7 for breakfast, I’m going to have my coffee with my good friend Jim

2. Time to clean up the breakfast dishes?  Ugh, that sucks…oh wait, there’s some OJ left?  What?  Just enough for a mimosa you say?  Well then, come to mama….

3. Geez Louise, these kids want lunch already?  Are they trying to eat me out of house and home?  Okay, I may as well have something too…let’s see….celery, tomato juice, Tabasco, and oh, hello there vodka!

4. Yeah, it’s now past noon! I have already been to the park and back…I’m now a hot sweaty mess, it’s the perfect time for a Bud Light!

5.  3 PM already?  Swimming sure does wipe these kids out and mama needs to relax;  I can’t believe it, it’s cocktail time!  Time for a highball, I deserve it!

6.  5 o clock?  What time is that?  It’s Wine O Clock!  Hooray!  We survived another summer day….

I know what you’re thinking, that drinking all of this booze is sure to lead to an alcohol problem, but just think of all the spare time I’ll have once school starts….plenty of time for an AA meeting once a day…

*before some of you start to freak out…please know that this is all in good humor**


The Mom You Hate

Today I am the mom you all hate.

And I don’t even feel bad about it…so na na na na boo boo.

What did I do, you’re wondering?

I took all of my kids to the park…

Even though Blake totally threw up last.  Not a little bit of puke, we’re talking so much vomit I couldn’t believe it and ended up tossing the sheets and blanket rather than deal with it.

So there…and you can’t even make me feel bad about it…

Why?  Why did I do this totally heinous thing?  Why would I put all of your precious little miracles in jeopardy of getting the barfy bug from my kid?

Simple…today was the first day of summer and we were going to have fun dammit!  So much fun they’d be whistling zip a dee doo dah out of their assholes*!  Today was the day that would set the tone for the rest of the summer, and I was not about to be trapped in the house with four little monsters my bundles of joy for what would have seemed like all of eternity…

So I went…and the kids played…and they ran around…and they splashed…and there was no throw up…and they said it was a fantastic day**.




And you mothers who are gasping for breath at my thoughtless nature and who are fuming about my audacity to take a sick child out and potentially infect others…

I say blow it out your old wazoo***.

*National Lampoons Vacation…anyone?

**as I was tucking Jack in tonight he stated this was the worst day ever…that little shit…

***Annie anyone?  Come on, you remember, Pepper?

****there’s still time to enter my giveaway for a $25 gift card to EdenFantasys!

What I Learned

The kids had a great time in Orlando this week, and the parents did too, mostly! We went to Sea World and Aquatica for the first time, then had a surprise visit to Magic Kingdom…but even on vacation I still learn something new everyday….
1. Kia can make a new key for you within 30 minutes of calling them if your four year old son locks the keys in the van while you’re packing to leave…(Jack)
2. The Hilton Grand Vacations Club will not charge you if your four year son completely breaks the blinds off the door that leads to the patio…(Jack again)
3. Eric is not leaving me in charge of any decisions involving money again…he took Blake to the bathroom and told me to buy fish to feed the sea I bought five trays for $19…apparently that is a ridiculous amount of money to spend on fish and he meant the $5 tray of fish (though he didn’t specify and so it’s not my fault I chose to get an amount of fish would ensure that everyone got to feed sea lions until their little hearts were content).
4. If you lose a child while trying to find a seat at the Shamu show you automatically get priority reserved seating once that child is found…(Hope, and it was only for about a minute)
5. Sea World has characters you can take pictures with…Elmo and Shamu…(Shamu, so weird to see a whale walking on its tail, and Elmo? Really? I know that Sesame Place is owned by the same company but he looks sooo out of place).
6. Some people either don’t have a mirror at home or they have no friends…because really, no one wants to see a 250 lb woman in a red string bikini or a 300 lb man in a speedo (and not a speedo/short combo either). And this is coming from a chunky girl…so I know what I’m talking about people….
7. Disney will give you whatever you ask for! Our complimentary 4 day passes expired a couple of weeks ago and our season passes aren’t good until tomorrow, but when Eric went to guest services they gave us another day, no problem! We also didn’t have any reservations for dining, yet ate at The Crystal Palace with Pooh and his crew, only waited about 5 minutes! Woo-hoo!
8. Hope is still scared of characters….