The Ass Clap

I’ll be the first to tell you that I’m a pretty fabulous person.

I’m funny.  I’m super cute.  I have nice teeth. I draw awesome pictures of  vajazzled vaginas.

And I’m modest*.

All that being said, I was shocked to hear applause following me wherever I went…

Because no matter how adorable I am I don’t have a crew of people following me around clapping…although that’s a hell of an idea…

Shaking my junk during Zumba…applause…

Beating Blake’s ass doing Gangnam Style on Just Dance…applause…

Rocking Eric’s world when the kids are sleeping…massive applause….


Who is it? What the hell is going on?

And then, after puzzling over it for weeks I finally figured it out…

It’s my ass…

My big fat ass…

I have an ass clap.  My ass is applauding me during physical activity and overexertion.

And when I first realized my ass is so fat it was like my own personal applause track I didn’t know how to feel about it….should I be upset or excited? After all, it’s like I’m my very own reality show! But without the big check or 19 kids…

But then again, I have my very own ass clap. So maybe that means my ass is too big?

But really? The constant affirmation is pretty sweet….

No matter what I do I get applause…

I’m keeping the fat ass…

I like someone telling me I’m fabulous…

Even if it’s just me…

*such a fucking lie. I’m so not modest. But really? If you were as fantastically awesome as I am, you wouldn’t be either….

Better Sexytime?

While drinking coffee at a friend’s house recently, I noticed a Cosmo sitting on her coffee table….

I was shocked! Honestly, there’s not much that rattles me, but I couldn’t believe she was reading it…

Why? I asked her? I was boggled, especially since she’s been married for years…

I haven’t read a Cosmo since I was engaged probably….

She was just as shocked that I didn’t pick one up now and again…

Why should I? I don’t need any tips on the perfect blow job…my husband already thinks this is the perfect blow job…

So why up the ante?

However, she seems to think that keeping things spicy and always surprising her husband with new tricks is the way to go…so she religiously reads about New Sex Positions Guaranteed to Make Him Go Wild or 10 Tips For Achieving Your Most Intense Orgasm Ever!

Seriously though, vanilla blow jobs aside, I tried to argue that we know each so well that our sex is already amazingly awesome and we don’t need new positions to go wild with…we have a trusty few that work and it’s still hot*…

She disagrees…claiming it can always be better…

So who’s right**?

*like consistent multiple orgasm hot…go ahead, hate me…

**I’ll give you a hint, you’re reading her blog…

Michelle Duggar Has More Sex Than I Do

That’s the thought that popped into my head as I was watching mindless TV the other night after the kids finally went to sleep….

And you know what? I am pissed off…

Not that I actually have proof that Michelle and Jim Bob are doing the dirty more than Eric and myself, but since they have 19 kids and this is the scenario in my house more often than not,


I daresay my assumptions are correct…

Michelle and Jim Bob are having sexy time more than me and my husband…

Sigh….

So I thought about it…and realized that even though I only have four kids and Michelle has 19, she has shitloads of older kids watching her younger kids and doing many of the chores around the house…while at my house it’s me doing everything and begging the 7 year old, 6 year old, 4 year old, and 2 year old to please just stop messing everything up!

So who’s relaxed and ready for loving at the end of the day?

Not this girl…

But Michelle? You bet your sweet ass she is….

And because I’m a creepy person, I can’t help but wonder if Michelle is really wanting to do it all the time, or if Jim Bob is exercising his rights as a husband and reminding her of her wifely duties?

But then I think about it more* and I bet she’s just so well relaxed from having all those kids to help around the house she doesn’t mind the nighttime activities…

And then I get pissed off some more…I want a bunch of older kids to take care of my younger kids so I’m relaxed enough for sex by the end of the day…

But creating those kids means I have to actually have the energy to give Eric the big yes for the night…

It’s a damn Catch-22….

What’s a bitch to do?

Sigh….

*because obviously I need a fucking hobby

 

My Bed Through the Years….

Oh yes, I used to be a hot blonde….

It was just us and no worries…we had all the time in the world to do whatever we wanted…

Then we got married…


And you know…things cool down ever so slightly….and yeah, my hair got darker…but hey, I had already snared my man! No need to get my hair foiled every six weeks for three hours and hundreds of dollars at a time…

Now we have kids….

And this is what it looks like in our bed…

They weasel their way in and I get to sleep at the foot of the bed like a fucking dog…no blankets and they steal my pillow…

Where’s Eric you’re asking?

On the couch…

That’s where he ends up around 3 or 4 in the morning if it’s one of those nights where everyone sneaks in…

That’s why Eric calls the kids his little CB’s…

And that would stand for cock blockers….

Aren’t kids grand?