Where Are My Boobies?

Not mine…

Let me assure you that my own boobies are firmly resting right by my belly button…

Unless your reading this while I’m sleeping, in which case they’re on my sides, since I tend to sleep on my back…

So if I’m not talking about my boobs, then whose boobs do I speak of?

Hope…

Yes, Hope’s non existent boobs…

This is what I walked into with my three oldest kids last week….


Yes, that’s Hope sitting topless on my bed asking her brothers where her boobies are?

I couldn’t even interrupt yet, I had to listen in….

Jack determined that when Hope got married, that’s when she would get “big ones like Mommy, so you can feed your babies”

Blake interjected and decided that Hope would get boobies when she’s a teenager because he’s seen teen girls and they have boobies…

Okay! Time to stop this conversation!

Hope, put your shirt on, you’ll get boobs when you’re about 12…

Boobs. Hope. Hope. Boobs.

Already I have to deal with this…

Please tell me I was right though…

Twelve? Right? She’ll be twelve?

Or 22?

I’m hoping for 22….

 

Effective Birth Control For Your Four Year Old

Hope got married a few weeks ago at preschool.

I know, I was surprised too, but both her and JJ planned it out, she wanted to wear one of her pretty dresses to school the day of the ceremony and JJ showed up all dressed up too and also raided his very own piggy bank to bring her flowers…


Seriously? How adorable are they?

I can almost forgive her for not giving me enough time to buy a fabulous, thunder stealing, mother of the bride dress…

So I can only assume that the wedding was the reason Hope’s mind turned to having babies the following day…

As we were in carline to pick up the boys, Hope asks me Mom? How do the babies get out of someone’s tummy?

I’ve had experience with this line of questioning before with Blake and Jack, and thanks to my C sections, the mention of vaginas has never had to come up with the talk of babies…score! The boys very easily took the explanation that the doctors cut my belly open and took out the babies, no more questions and they went on their way…how easy it that? I expected the same reaction from Hope.

Oh, how wrong I was…

Hope immediately burst into hysterical sobbing.  Hysterical.  I could not console her.

Hope! Hope, honey, what is it? Why are you crying? 

I. I. It’s. I. It’s just that I want babies so bad but I do not want to ever ever have my belly cut open! There will be blood and it will hurt!

Followed by more hysterical crying.  I felt like the worst mother ever. Maybe I should have just showed her Dumbo and gone with the stork theory…

Hope, I promise the doctor gives you lots of medicine and it doesn’t really hurt too bad and it’s so worth it! Mommy loves all of you and I would do it all over again just to have you! I promise!

Mommy, I don’t want my belly cut! I don’t! Isn’t there any other way for the babies to come out!

Hmmm, now that you mention it, there is. But how do I tell a four year old that instead of getting your belly cut open your vagina is the way?  I just can’t win…but I had to give it a shot…anything to stop the tears…

Well Hope, now that you mention it, there is another way…

I immediately have her attention…What?

Um, you can push the baby out…

What do you mean? Push how?

Um, out of your privates…

Hope stops talking. Then her lips start to quiver and more tears fall down…

But mommy! Babies are very big and my privates are very small!

Yes, that’s true honey, but privates get bigger when the baby is ready and then they get smaller again…

And yes, I do want to just smash my head into the steering wheel…what am I doing? I’m obviously not equipped to explain anything to this child, I fear I’ve just set her up for years of therapy….

Hope said nothing for 45 minutes…she just sat in the car sadly….and refused look at me…

So I think it’s fair to say I scarred Hope for life…

Time to start saving for therapy…but hey! At least I won’t have to shell out for day care while she’s still in high school!

*and yes, I am linked up with Mama Kat today writing a post inspired by the word red…

 

 

The Question of the Day

I haven’t shaved any part of my body since July…

Don’t you worry though, I’m not going ass crazy hippie shit and deciding natural is best, I’ve just decided to stick to waxing….

I’ve waxed haphazardly for the last 10 years, but as I get older my skin has gotten more sensitive and shaving just tears me up…so I’ve decided to stick to ripping the hair out by the root…

Everywhere…

Including Veronica…hey-go big or go home, right?

But yesterday as I was flat on my back I couldn’t help but wonder….


Yes? No?

Or what if she says, you need to come more often, you’re a very hairy lady!

Please, tell me you have a hairy asshole too…or gorilla legs, or a vagina so hairy birds could nest in there, it’ll make my embarrassment lessen…


‘Shroomin

Ever feel like you can’t keep up?

Like the house is crashing down around you?

Like the laundry is piled up and you’ll never get it done?

Like every time you clean one room the kids mess up another?

That’s been me for the last few weeks…

I’ve been doing my damnedest to make sure the kids have clean clothes and that Eric’s clothes are decent. I’ve been trying to keep all of Brooke’s therapy appointments and still make sure she has plenty of time for play time…

But taking care of Holly? Totally has been taking a backseat…

My eyebrows look like big furry caterpillars, and let’s not even mention poor Veronica….

My feet are so funky that surely the Vietnamese women at the nail salon will run and hide when I come in soon…

And my laundry? Not getting done…although luckily I have enough to get me through until I throw a pair of jeans and some undies in with the kid’s stuff…

But my gym clothes? I kept forgetting to wash…

And man, were they getting funky…

So I came up with a genius idea…

GENIUS…..

Febreze!

Duh!

And I’ve gotta say…it was working like a charm…or so I thought…until I had this conversation with Jack…

Me: Guys, keep an eye of Brooke for a few minutes so I can take a shower

Jack: Mommy, why are you showering right now? Is it because you smell like a mushroom?

Which must explain why I’ve had plenty of space around me the last few classes…