Not Even I Can Make Public Urination Cool

I used to really be able to take it*…

But a few weeks ago I realized that I’m not longer able to hang….

I never thought of myself as getting older, but the fair proved me wrong…yes, the very same fair that wouldn’t allow ketchup

I’ve always loved thrill rides. Turn me upside down, zoom me along the track, throw me sharply from one side to another…this gal can handle it!

Or so I thought….

Until I got on The Avalanche…

Oh Avalanche, how I despise you…

Let me show you how the ride is…


The circles are the people…and that is us going around and around and around….and then it goes the other way…

Eric was on the ground with Brooke laughing his ass off at me as I gradually got greener and greener…while the three big kids were having a blast…

I just tried to breathe…in and out…in and out….

And when the ride finished I bolted off…and tried to keep my candy apple down…

And I was successful until Eric took the big kids on the Tilt-A-Whirl…then standing there in the middle of the fair I let it go…

All of it….


The throw up was so forceful that I couldn’t help but pee on myself at the same time…

Right in the middle of the fair.

It happened so quickly I didn’t have time to go behind the Headless Woman’s trailer and pee on myself in private…nope, right there where everyone could see was the way it happened…

And then I had to walk around in pee clothes for the remainder of the day…

Veronica was not a happy camper…and neither was I…

I really thought I could handle the rides…but alas I was wrong…

Well played fair….well played….

*and no, I don’t mean up the ass you perverts, that’s always been a no go zone…

Why Kids Are Assholes-Part Five

All I want is to sleep is peace….

All day long my day is filled with requests from the little people that live here…get me milk! I want a banana!  Now can I have a cookie? I’m still hungry, I want a cheesestick. Please play tea cups. Wipe my butt. Scratch my butt. Smell my feet. Play dress ups please. Can you build Disney out of my legos? Please play Monopoly with me. Get me an apple. I want juice! Wipe my butt! Spank Jack, he knocked over my dolls! Find my Ken. Please take us on a bike ride! Wipe my butt! Put on Sophia the First! Not that one, the one with the sleepover! Wipe my butt! Play tea party! Get me some goldfish!

And on and on and on and on….

Is it no wonder that I do a happy dance at bed time?

Can I be blamed for wanting to sleep in peace? This is all I want….


Is that too much to ask for? A good sleep?

But no….as soon as I get nice and comfy the assholery begins…


I know what you’re thinking…oh God Holly, can you be a bigger bitch? All he wants to do is snuggle! These kids won’t be little forever and their wanting to snuggle days are numbered! Don’t be such a cunt!

Well fuck you! I used to think that way too…but then this kept happening….


Sure, that kid is happy as a fucking clam, but Eric is hanging off the damn bad and inevitable I get pissed on.

Every. Fucking. Time.

Asshole.

And the Faucet Was Flying

Once in a while I decide to play my part well…

And then I clean…

Oh yes, we’re talking mopping, scrubbing, polishing, windexing, baseboard scrubbing, doing every last piece of laundry, and any other housewifely duty you can imagine…

Today was not that day…

But I did decide to scrub out the boy’s bathroom to see if I could get the pee smell out yet again…

Bring in the bleach…

I scrubbed and bleached out the bathroom*…

And then I had to dispose of the bleachy water…

And then this happened…

Seriously? I was drenched. Soaked. I could have been the top contender for a wet t shirt contest**. And I was so shocked I couldn’t register what was happening…

And in those precious seconds I was dumbfounded the faucet flew away and I didn’t know what to do…

What do I do? I stood there getting more and more sopping wet looking for the water spout faucet thing…and then ding!!  It finally hit me…

I turned off the water…

In ten seconds I flooded my laundry room…

So I did what any mom would do…

I bribed Hope to clean up all the water for me if she wanted to go outside…

Hey, I used up all my good momness actually cleaning the bathroom…

And besides, I had to take pictures of me in my wet t shirt and text them to Eric…

*I used so much bleach I’m a little worried the boys are going to wake up with tails tomorrow…

**if the contest was held by sexychunkymoms dot com…

 

Peeing Through the Hole

There are so many reasons I love you all…

And one is because you actually care about me…

Or you just wait for me to make an ass of myself and then write about it for your amusement…

Whatever, I’ll take it…

So I’m going to pretend that when everyone left comments on the Spanx post and tweeted me asking if I had managed to pee through the hole it’s because you all wanted to make sure I was, in fact, successful and not a urine ridden wedding guest…

Well, I’m happy to inform you fine folks that this hot mama did not smell like pee at the wedding…I smelled like red wine and the MAC perfume that was lent to me by an old friend…

But since inquiring minds want to know I’ll spill the hole peeing dirt…

It wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be…

Not because of the hole…oh no, the hole was perfectly sized and placed for the pee to flow…

But the pee wouldn’t come…nope, no way! My pee was staying in my bladder…

Why? Why wouldn’t the pee come you’re asking? Because you’re not supposed to pee through a hole in your underwear!

I had to talk softly to my pee*.  I had to assure my pee it was okay to come out even though I was still wearing underwear.  I had to coax my pee out.  I had to tell my pee it would really be much happier in the toilet and not dribbling down my thigh as I danced my ass off with my girls…

And finally, success! The pee came!  And after that first time I had no trouble…yay pee!

Are you wondering if it felt funny doing it? Um yes. Yes it did.

Sitting on the toilet with a half full glass of red peeing through your underwear while talking to an old best friend you haven’t talked to in about seven years is definitely one of the oddest things I’ve done in a long time…

And yet, peeing through a hole in my underwear was both liberatingly naughty and fun…

I may start doing it at home just for kicks**…

*maybe a new show? The Pee Whisperer?

**except I’m too lazy to wash the Spanx everyday, so I’ll have to cut huge holes out of my Hanes Her Way…