Where Are My Boobies?

Not mine…

Let me assure you that my own boobies are firmly resting right by my belly button…

Unless your reading this while I’m sleeping, in which case they’re on my sides, since I tend to sleep on my back…

So if I’m not talking about my boobs, then whose boobs do I speak of?

Hope…

Yes, Hope’s non existent boobs…

This is what I walked into with my three oldest kids last week….


Yes, that’s Hope sitting topless on my bed asking her brothers where her boobies are?

I couldn’t even interrupt yet, I had to listen in….

Jack determined that when Hope got married, that’s when she would get “big ones like Mommy, so you can feed your babies”

Blake interjected and decided that Hope would get boobies when she’s a teenager because he’s seen teen girls and they have boobies…

Okay! Time to stop this conversation!

Hope, put your shirt on, you’ll get boobs when you’re about 12…

Boobs. Hope. Hope. Boobs.

Already I have to deal with this…

Please tell me I was right though…

Twelve? Right? She’ll be twelve?

Or 22?

I’m hoping for 22….

 

Yes, I Am Alive

Though I’m sure you were doubting it, since I haven’t written in…um…forever…

Fucking winter break….

Fucking kids home all. the. time.

I have no time to sit on the toilet and empty my bladder let alone write…

This is what my days have looked like…

5 am-Woken up by Blake dancing to Gangnam Style on Just Dnace 4*

5:05- Yell at Blake to turn the damn TV down

5:10-Yell at Blake to turn it down more

5:15- Threaten to throw the Wii in the goddamn trash if he doesn’t turn it down

6:08-Get woken up by Jack’s feet up my ass since he’s crawled into bed with me and sleeps upside down-shove him to Eric’s side

6:30-Get woken up by Hope demanding oatmeal

6:40-Get woken up by Hope still demanding oatmeal

6:45-Get out of bed because Hope is screaming that she’s so hungry her tummy is crying

6:55-Lay on couch and pray that Brooke will sleep for 30 more minutes so I can go back to sleep

7:05-Yell at three older kids for climbing into Brooke’s crib and waking her up

7:10-Distribute chocolate chip pancakes to boys and Brooke

7:15-I sneeze, and promptly pee all over myself since I have yet to sit on the toilet

7:16-Put on clean undies

7:20-Tell the boys to stop fighting over the Wii

7:22-Tell the boys to stop fighting over the Wii

7:24-Make the boys put on PBS so Brooke and Hope can watch Martha Speaks and maybe I can have one fucking cup of coffee in peace

7:30-Realize I’m out of creamer

7:34-Clean up the puddle of tears on my counter and settle for Corn Pops with milk

7:45-Take a shower

8:00-Clean up the shredded cheese fight that happened during said shower

8:15-Send everyone to their rooms until we leave for the museum

8:16-Try to get on computer

8:18-Give up since the kids keep coming out to ask if we’re leaving yet

8:20-Quickly dry my hair and throw clothes in dryer so they at least smell clean before we head off to the children’s museum

From 9 to about 12 or 1 I follow Hope and Brooke around while the boys are free to roam and desperately try not to lose them. I fail after the museum director gets my attention while I’m frantically searching for Brooke…she was halfway up the stairs by then…Mother of the Fucking Year right here folks…

As soon as we get home I then feed the kids a nutritious lunch of chicken nuggets and some sort of fruit before putting Brooke down for a nap.

2:00-I send the boys outside to play and put on the TV for Hope so Brooke can sleep in peace and I can get some writing done

2:05-Hope asks to go outside, I beg for 15 minutes

2:07-Hope asks to go outside, I plead for 10 minutes

2:10-Hope starts crying because it’s not fair that the boys are outside and all she wants to do is ride her bike

2:11-I go outside with Hope

Now that I’m outside all I do is break up fights over who gets what ball, who gets to pull the wagon and who gets to sit in it, and try to throw a football like I give a fuck…

3:30-Bribe Hope with popcorn and a Barbie movie to come inside

4:00-I vacuum up the popcorn fight that happened between the three big kids while I was texting and then getting Brooke up

4:15-I make my mad scramble to clean up the house so Eric doesn’t get all pissy when he comes home

4:30-I go pee

4:32-The house is a fucking wreck

4:35-Eric comes home and wonders out loud why the house looks like a bomb hit

From here on out it’s make dinner time, clean up dinner time, get four kids clean time, and clean up the damn house again time…

7:30-Start bed time

8:30-Last kid finally passes out after the last potty break, cup of water, hug, kiss, and tuck in

8:35-Eric looks over and gives me the look

8:37-I go into the bedroom and change my underwear again since I peed myself from laughing so hard

8:38-I get my computer and sit to write, but I’m so tired my eyes blur together…I give up and watch HGTV

9:00-I take my Kindle to bed…

And then I wake up and start all over again…

To say I can’t wait for the kids to go back t school next week is an understatement if I ever typed one…

How’s your winter break?

*to which I currently hold the high record in my house…ahem

The Worst Mommy Ever

I’ve seen posts floating all over the blogosphere lately where mommy’s tell how they’re the worst mothers ever…

And to those posts I laugh…Bwahaha!  Surely you all didn’t think you were a worst mother than me?

I take the prize on being the worst mommy ever….and here is the story in which I shall get my trophy…

A couple of weeks ago, on Labor Day actually, I was getting ready to take the kids to the museum….because I’m an awesome mom that way….

Eric popped in from a break in catering for a few minutes before we left and this is the conversation we had…

“Babe” says Eric “Where’s Brooke?”

“I don’t know, probably playing dolls in the bedroom”

And then I went about my business cleaning the kitchen*.

Meanwhile, Eric and the three big kids roughhoused in the living room….

All of a sudden…

Ding Dong!

It was the doorbell….

Eric goes to answer and who’s there? It’s our neighbor holding Brooke!

Yup…Brooke took my keys, went out to the driveway, and tried to get into the van….because duh! It was time to go to the museum!

Luckily, my neighbor was outside then, saw Brooke, scooped her up and brought her home…though she thought it was very funny that when she tried to take the keys from Brooke my little escapee refused to give them up!

Yup…my baby got outside and I didn’t know it….methinks it’s time for a home security system….she is one crafty little girl!

So Eric thanked the nice lady for bringing us our child back and the next day I baked her a I’m Not a Crackhead Mom Cake.  Luckily, she’s cool and told me about she one time lost her son at the mall when he was three…

Gah! Who else has lost a kid?

*blogging

What’s in a Name?

I almost named my child Furious Cash but chose Blake instead because I don’t hate him…

Oh yes, you read that right….

Furious Cash…

It was Eric’s pick…

I am absolutely 100% not joking here…

Eric thought it was cool.

He tried desperately to get me to see the light, he explained how our first born would be eternally cool with a name like Furious Cash…

Furious Cash would never get picked on…kids would automatically think he’s in charge…that he’s the big dog…

Have you picked your jaws up off of the floor yet?

I know…

Seriously…what was Eric thinking?

I had to fight with him for weeks on this matter…

This is a baby! A real baby that’s going to be a real person!  He needs a real name!

Furious Cash is a real name….that’s what I was told…

I had to break out the tears and start to hyperventilate to make my point…

I wasn’t giving birth to a dog or to a child I hoped would become an inmate…

I was carrying a brain surgeon, or a future politician, not a guy with a shaved head and scalp tattoos…

So I won…

And Blake Charles Waligora was born October 3, 2004…

But because friends thought Furious Cash should somehow live on, my friend Theresa named a new plant after Eric’s dream son…

The plant is thriving and is truly kicking her other plant’s asses….

*I swear I am making up none of this…

**Why yes, I am linked up to the fabulous Mama Kat and her famous Writer’s Workshop!