The Big Bug

As you all remember, my husband and kids have all been sick as fuck the last few weeks and I’m just starting to get my shit back together…

And when Eric was sick that pretty much made me his little bitch to do his bidding, which is why I was at Taco Bell at 8:30 one night picking up XXL Nachos and Chalupas for my sickly husband…

When I rolled into the garage there it was…

The biggest palmetto/roach/Florida bug I’ve ever seen in my life…right on the top corner of the doorway into the house, so there was no way this bitch was getting out of the car…

I immediately called my coughing up a lung husband and demanded his assistance because this fine gal? Does not do bugs…

And apparently neither does Eric…

He didn’t want to kill the damn thing…Instead he wanted to shoo the big ass bug away.

When the fuck did he become such a humanitarian? It’s not like it was a bald eagle or a cute little bunny…it was a big nasty disease ridden roach…

But whatever…I played along…Eric was obviously delirious with fever and not thinking straight…

Besides, it was pretty damn amusing watching the dance of the roach with Eric in only his underwear, hot and feverish, leaping and signaling to me…

So I pulled a taco out the bag and sat back…

Every once in a while Eric would signal for me to drive backwards…a bit more, a bit more, just a bit more…

And finally! He freed the roach! I could roll back into the garage and go upstairs….

CRUNCH!!!!!!!

Yup, you read that right…when I drove back in I ran the fucker over…

The look on Eric’s face was priceless, if only I had it on video for you people you all would piss your pants laughing…

So let this be a lesson to you all…just kill the damn bugs…

But not the bunnies….

Effective Birth Control For Your Four Year Old

Hope got married a few weeks ago at preschool.

I know, I was surprised too, but both her and JJ planned it out, she wanted to wear one of her pretty dresses to school the day of the ceremony and JJ showed up all dressed up too and also raided his very own piggy bank to bring her flowers…


Seriously? How adorable are they?

I can almost forgive her for not giving me enough time to buy a fabulous, thunder stealing, mother of the bride dress…

So I can only assume that the wedding was the reason Hope’s mind turned to having babies the following day…

As we were in carline to pick up the boys, Hope asks me Mom? How do the babies get out of someone’s tummy?

I’ve had experience with this line of questioning before with Blake and Jack, and thanks to my C sections, the mention of vaginas has never had to come up with the talk of babies…score! The boys very easily took the explanation that the doctors cut my belly open and took out the babies, no more questions and they went on their way…how easy it that? I expected the same reaction from Hope.

Oh, how wrong I was…

Hope immediately burst into hysterical sobbing.  Hysterical.  I could not console her.

Hope! Hope, honey, what is it? Why are you crying? 

I. I. It’s. I. It’s just that I want babies so bad but I do not want to ever ever have my belly cut open! There will be blood and it will hurt!

Followed by more hysterical crying.  I felt like the worst mother ever. Maybe I should have just showed her Dumbo and gone with the stork theory…

Hope, I promise the doctor gives you lots of medicine and it doesn’t really hurt too bad and it’s so worth it! Mommy loves all of you and I would do it all over again just to have you! I promise!

Mommy, I don’t want my belly cut! I don’t! Isn’t there any other way for the babies to come out!

Hmmm, now that you mention it, there is. But how do I tell a four year old that instead of getting your belly cut open your vagina is the way?  I just can’t win…but I had to give it a shot…anything to stop the tears…

Well Hope, now that you mention it, there is another way…

I immediately have her attention…What?

Um, you can push the baby out…

What do you mean? Push how?

Um, out of your privates…

Hope stops talking. Then her lips start to quiver and more tears fall down…

But mommy! Babies are very big and my privates are very small!

Yes, that’s true honey, but privates get bigger when the baby is ready and then they get smaller again…

And yes, I do want to just smash my head into the steering wheel…what am I doing? I’m obviously not equipped to explain anything to this child, I fear I’ve just set her up for years of therapy….

Hope said nothing for 45 minutes…she just sat in the car sadly….and refused look at me…

So I think it’s fair to say I scarred Hope for life…

Time to start saving for therapy…but hey! At least I won’t have to shell out for day care while she’s still in high school!

*and yes, I am linked up with Mama Kat today writing a post inspired by the word red…

 

 

The Worst Mommy Ever

I’ve seen posts floating all over the blogosphere lately where mommy’s tell how they’re the worst mothers ever…

And to those posts I laugh…Bwahaha!  Surely you all didn’t think you were a worst mother than me?

I take the prize on being the worst mommy ever….and here is the story in which I shall get my trophy…

A couple of weeks ago, on Labor Day actually, I was getting ready to take the kids to the museum….because I’m an awesome mom that way….

Eric popped in from a break in catering for a few minutes before we left and this is the conversation we had…

“Babe” says Eric “Where’s Brooke?”

“I don’t know, probably playing dolls in the bedroom”

And then I went about my business cleaning the kitchen*.

Meanwhile, Eric and the three big kids roughhoused in the living room….

All of a sudden…

Ding Dong!

It was the doorbell….

Eric goes to answer and who’s there? It’s our neighbor holding Brooke!

Yup…Brooke took my keys, went out to the driveway, and tried to get into the van….because duh! It was time to go to the museum!

Luckily, my neighbor was outside then, saw Brooke, scooped her up and brought her home…though she thought it was very funny that when she tried to take the keys from Brooke my little escapee refused to give them up!

Yup…my baby got outside and I didn’t know it….methinks it’s time for a home security system….she is one crafty little girl!

So Eric thanked the nice lady for bringing us our child back and the next day I baked her a I’m Not a Crackhead Mom Cake.  Luckily, she’s cool and told me about she one time lost her son at the mall when he was three…

Gah! Who else has lost a kid?

*blogging

You Have To Be Smarter Than The Dishwasher

Because I’m either a glutton for punishment or because I love my children, Eric and I decided to take our children to Disney last week…

And so we were renting a condo type place where we could cook meals and try to save some money…

And so I had to still do some basic chores…such as loading and emptying the dishwasher…

Sounds easy enough, right?

But I couldn’t get the damn thing to lock…

I hip checked it…

That didn’t work…I didn’t hear the click…

So I hip checked it a few more times before I brought out the big guns…

Pushing all my weight against it and swearing…

Right when I was starting into my rant about what a shitty place we were renting and how I was going to demand our money back, Eric came to the rescue…

Apparently it was one of those old school models where there was a lever…

Oops…

I swear I’m smarter than the dishwasher…