Dinner for Ungrateful Brats Served Here

I’ve talked about my kids assholery here before…

They’re assholes for peeing on me, for telling Wal Mart employees my vagina is hairy, and for making fun of my fat ass in the shower, amongst many other assholery things…

But almost every night I get a big dose of it….and man…it makes me crazy…

It all starts like this…


(did you notice my new hair?)

But then this happens…


Brooke isn’t pictured because she doesn’t have the words to bitch at me…but when she throws her full plate back at me I know she’s on their side…

Do you know how hard it is to cook for ungrateful little people judging your culinary skills nightly? And as my mom used to tell me and my siblings…it’s not a fucking diner…so I refuse to make them anything else…

Am I all alone here? Or do all of your kids lap up every morsel you serve them?

Or do you all just rotate spaghetti, tacos, and quesadillas every night?

 

Why Kids Are Assholes-Part Five

All I want is to sleep is peace….

All day long my day is filled with requests from the little people that live here…get me milk! I want a banana!  Now can I have a cookie? I’m still hungry, I want a cheesestick. Please play tea cups. Wipe my butt. Scratch my butt. Smell my feet. Play dress ups please. Can you build Disney out of my legos? Please play Monopoly with me. Get me an apple. I want juice! Wipe my butt! Spank Jack, he knocked over my dolls! Find my Ken. Please take us on a bike ride! Wipe my butt! Put on Sophia the First! Not that one, the one with the sleepover! Wipe my butt! Play tea party! Get me some goldfish!

And on and on and on and on….

Is it no wonder that I do a happy dance at bed time?

Can I be blamed for wanting to sleep in peace? This is all I want….


Is that too much to ask for? A good sleep?

But no….as soon as I get nice and comfy the assholery begins…


I know what you’re thinking…oh God Holly, can you be a bigger bitch? All he wants to do is snuggle! These kids won’t be little forever and their wanting to snuggle days are numbered! Don’t be such a cunt!

Well fuck you! I used to think that way too…but then this kept happening….


Sure, that kid is happy as a fucking clam, but Eric is hanging off the damn bad and inevitable I get pissed on.

Every. Fucking. Time.

Asshole.

Memories Captured

I’ve never hidden the fact that I’m a nose picker…

Yup, for those of you who may be new to my page or somehow have skipped my declarations for my love of boogers, it’s true…

I love to pick. I like boogers.

But don’t worry…I don’t eat them. Because that? Would be crazy…

I will admit to trying to hide my love of picking from my kids, since I don’t want them ridiculed by others for digging and I do want them to have manners…

So when I caught Jack picking his nose at the dinner table I immediately sent him to his room for being disgusting…

As an apology he drew me this…


And he even left me a little something on the paper…

Why on earth would he wipe a booger on the paper?

Everyone knows that behind the bed is the best place…

Right?

*linked up with Memories Captured….

My Kids Are Bastards

For the past couple of weeks I’ve been reading blog posts and Facebook status updates about how people are so excited because their kids are super thrilled to take an angel off of the tree and buy a present for another kid…

If not the Angel Tree then the Operation Christmas Child thing…

Apparently giving to children less fortunate make these little hearts sing with joy…

Children are passing out in joy at the idea of making another kid’s holiday fabulous…

Every kid but my own that is…

Every year I donate to our local battered women’s shelter and do the Angel Tree also…but this year I decided to involve my kids…

Wow…bad idea…

Mom, I don’t get it. Says Blake. Why are we buying stuff for other families?

Because there are people that aren’t as lucky as us. Some families don’t have enough money for presents or even enough food. That’s why we always donate during the holidays. Doesn’t it make you happy to help other kids?!

Why don’t they have any money? Asks Hope…

Well sweetie, some people aren’t able to find a job or the job they have doesn’t pay them a super lot of money, so for extra things like gifts other people help out…

Hmph! Says Blake, Their dads should just work harder, like Daddy-

But Blake-

Sometimes Daddy works so hard we don’t even see him that day, and now we have to share our money because our dad works hard? Says my little Republican….

Okay…time for a new tactic….

Well, I say, we also help out kids who don’t have both of their parents, like maybe they’re divorced or someones mom or dad died so they don’t have a lot of money because the mom can only work while the kids are in school.

Oh, says Blake, Well that’s different then. We can help those families. It’s really sad not to have a mom and dad.

Just to be on the safe side though, I’ll drop off the gifts without the kids in tow, I don’t need Blake giving a lecture about working harder to those in need…

Are your kids bastards* or are they excited to help others?

*Read: Republican