The Ass Ache

Almost every morning I wake up with my ass on fire* courtesy of Eric.

It’s because we fall asleep like this…


Every night we go to sleep face to feet so we can rub each other’s feet and tushies while we talk…

And inevitably Eric gets his hand up my undies to the top of my back…giving me the mother of all wedgies…


I constantly ask him to pick my underwear out of my ass so my sad face disappears and he complies, but his hand always creeps back up through there and to my back…

And so I fall asleep with my underwear up my ass and then wake up and have to practically get pliers to pull it out of there…

I know what you’re thinking…just go to sleep like everybody else, face to face the normal way…

Like we haven’t tried that? It just doesn’t work for us…

And besides, I like my ass rubbed as I fall asleep….

So I guess I’m doomed to a life of ass aches and nighttime wedgies…sigh…

At least until my kids are grown and I don’t have to worry about them coming into bed with a naked mommy and then having to shell out thousands in therapy money…

How do you and your hubby*** sleep?

*you fucking pervert…you thought it’s because I take it up the back end? Let me assure you that’s an exit only area, although if that’s the way you like it…then to each their own**

**you nasty….

***or wife, or domestic partner, or sugar daddy….whatever….

The Big Bug

As you all remember, my husband and kids have all been sick as fuck the last few weeks and I’m just starting to get my shit back together…

And when Eric was sick that pretty much made me his little bitch to do his bidding, which is why I was at Taco Bell at 8:30 one night picking up XXL Nachos and Chalupas for my sickly husband…

When I rolled into the garage there it was…

The biggest palmetto/roach/Florida bug I’ve ever seen in my life…right on the top corner of the doorway into the house, so there was no way this bitch was getting out of the car…

I immediately called my coughing up a lung husband and demanded his assistance because this fine gal? Does not do bugs…

And apparently neither does Eric…

He didn’t want to kill the damn thing…Instead he wanted to shoo the big ass bug away.

When the fuck did he become such a humanitarian? It’s not like it was a bald eagle or a cute little bunny…it was a big nasty disease ridden roach…

But whatever…I played along…Eric was obviously delirious with fever and not thinking straight…

Besides, it was pretty damn amusing watching the dance of the roach with Eric in only his underwear, hot and feverish, leaping and signaling to me…

So I pulled a taco out the bag and sat back…

Every once in a while Eric would signal for me to drive backwards…a bit more, a bit more, just a bit more…

And finally! He freed the roach! I could roll back into the garage and go upstairs….

CRUNCH!!!!!!!

Yup, you read that right…when I drove back in I ran the fucker over…

The look on Eric’s face was priceless, if only I had it on video for you people you all would piss your pants laughing…

So let this be a lesson to you all…just kill the damn bugs…

But not the bunnies….

The One Pit Wonder

Friday was a regular day…nothing spectacular happened…

But all day long I kept getting looks..

You know, those looks..from random people…

I took the kids to the museum where the big kids ran around doing their own thing and I followed Brooke around…lifting her up and then putting her down when she was done cuddling or hugging for that moment and ready to keep playing.  Up and down and up and down she went…

The looks followed me wherever we went…

The kids and I went to lunch…there I lifted Brooke up into the highchair and then back down…

The looks…

I checked my teeth, nothing in them.  No boogers hanging out of my nose, no cheerios on my ass, no stains right on my boobs…

Oh well, one mustn’t dwell…I figured those bitches were just jealous of how effortlessly I wrangled my brood out in public without flipping out…

So I out it out of my mind…until I saw myself in the mirror the next morning at Zumba shaking my ass…


While I was waxing my own pits the day before I must have gotten distracted by the kids and not finished…and totally forgotten*…

Which is why everyone was giving me the funny lady look…because this chick? Is one hairy bitch and that long dark armpit hair must have been all up in everyone else’s business…

How gross..

But at least I remembered deodorant that day**

*let’s all take a minute and be thankful I’m lucky enough to pay someone to wax Veronica for me

**because yes, that story’s coming up soon also

The Problem With Spin

Zumba is my soulmate workout…because as Penny told me when I was a child God wouldn’t have given you maracas if he didn’t want you to shake ‘em!*

But….

I was recently told that I need to shake up my workout every once in while, so in  addition to also doing TurboFire at home and some light weights I dragged my reluctant ass to a spin class…

Yes…again…

Because if you remember, I’ve tried spin before, and I had some issues with the problem that comes along with spin class….

But since my ass is considerably smaller I thought, eh-surely it won’t be that bad….and it’s only an hour….

Guess what? I was wrong…it was that bad…

Not so much for ass…

It was Veronica…

She was so mad at me when I was done I feared she’d never be pleased with me again and allow anything near her, including Eric**…

So when the instructor asked me at the end of class if I enjoyed it I was honest*** and told her that I didn’t enjoy it due to the fact that my vagina was now howling…

And you know what her response was?

Oh, don’t worry, your vagina will callous up in a few weeks and you won’t even notice it anymore!

WHAT THE FUCK?  WHO WANTS A CALLOUSED VAGINA? THIS IS NOT GOING TO BRING ME BACK TO CLASS!

Not to mention I’m fairly certain Eric doesn’t want to do a calloused vagina…but just in case I asked him…

And after he was done rolling his eyes at me he begged me to leave him alone and stop asking him ridiculous questions****.

But regardless of what Eric says or thinks, I’m pretty sure my ass isn’t going to be perched on that seat any time soon…

Do you spin? Does your vagina hurt and get calloused?

*who doesn’t love Dirty Dancing?

**which would be a shame because if knocking boots in the bedroom was an Olympic sport my man would get the gold…and I have the multiple orgasms to prove it….

***duh….like when am I anything but?

****which I take to mean that calloused or not he’d do this bitch like it was his job! oh yeah, I still got it!