The Ass Ache

Almost every morning I wake up with my ass on fire* courtesy of Eric.

It’s because we fall asleep like this…


Every night we go to sleep face to feet so we can rub each other’s feet and tushies while we talk…

And inevitably Eric gets his hand up my undies to the top of my back…giving me the mother of all wedgies…


I constantly ask him to pick my underwear out of my ass so my sad face disappears and he complies, but his hand always creeps back up through there and to my back…

And so I fall asleep with my underwear up my ass and then wake up and have to practically get pliers to pull it out of there…

I know what you’re thinking…just go to sleep like everybody else, face to face the normal way…

Like we haven’t tried that? It just doesn’t work for us…

And besides, I like my ass rubbed as I fall asleep….

So I guess I’m doomed to a life of ass aches and nighttime wedgies…sigh…

At least until my kids are grown and I don’t have to worry about them coming into bed with a naked mommy and then having to shell out thousands in therapy money…

How do you and your hubby*** sleep?

*you fucking pervert…you thought it’s because I take it up the back end? Let me assure you that’s an exit only area, although if that’s the way you like it…then to each their own**

**you nasty….

***or wife, or domestic partner, or sugar daddy….whatever….

Thirty-One

Today I celebrate my 29th birthday…for the third time….

The only good thing about birthdays are the gifts..I’m a huge present whore…and even though none of you sent me anything this year (ahem, it’s not too late) I’ve decided to give you all something…

It’s a list! Yay! I love lists! So here’s 31 things you may not know about me…

1. I’m the second in a line of four kids

2. I have flat feet

3. I was in JROTC in high school and was battalion XO my senior year (second in command).  Shut up, it was cool

4. I was also a huge theatre person. What? You’re not surprised? You knew I was a drama queen?

5. I wanted to study anthropology in college

6. And historical fiction

7. Then I wanted to run off and join the WWE to be a professional wrestler

8. So I dropped out of college after two years because I obviously had no clue what the fuck I wanted to be

9. I used to have my nose pierced. And my belly button. And my nipples. And a Marilyn. And my tongue. And my ears-15 times

10. My hair used to be blue

11. And purple

12. Pantyhose make my ass itch

13. Hope got her name when I was 9 weeks pregnant and thought we lost her

14. I can peel a banana with my feet

15. I never wanted to have children until I met Eric

16. And after our first date I woke up my best friend to tell her I was going to marry him

17. We didn’t have sex on our wedding night. We counted money and passed out

18. When I was 16 I passed out drunk at a school football game and was taken away in an ambulance

19. As a result of that night my principal called me Chugs for the rest of the school year

20. I look forward to ingrown hairs and pimples so I can pop them

21. I’m scared to have another child

22. Some of my favorite foods are tripe, fried chicken gizzards, and turkey necks.

23. And I love to wash it all down with pickle juice

24. My favorite part of breastfeeding is squirting Eric in the eye while lying in bed when he’s not expecting it

25. My favorite movies are Shag, Little Women, and Empire Records

26. I’m scared of my kids growing up and moving away

27. One of my favorite shows is Snapped! Women Who Kill. I partly watch it just to keep Eric on his toes

28. I use about six Q-tips a day. I love the feeling of the dig

29. Sometimes when I’m in the car I catch all four kids in the review mirror and am shocked, I can’t believe they’re mine

30. And I’m scared I’m not a good enough mother for them

31. I depend on my husband for far too much…

There you have it…what don’t I know about you?

 

You Know You’ve Been Married Too Long

When this takes place….(we’re in the car by the way)


Hmmm…a booger you say?

You all know how much I like boogers…but he wouldn’t budge…

Five minutes later…

And yes, it was everything I thought it would be…

Do you do anything that proves you’ve been married too long…

Or that you’re as gross as I am?

Better Sexytime?

While drinking coffee at a friend’s house recently, I noticed a Cosmo sitting on her coffee table….

I was shocked! Honestly, there’s not much that rattles me, but I couldn’t believe she was reading it…

Why? I asked her? I was boggled, especially since she’s been married for years…

I haven’t read a Cosmo since I was engaged probably….

She was just as shocked that I didn’t pick one up now and again…

Why should I? I don’t need any tips on the perfect blow job…my husband already thinks this is the perfect blow job…

So why up the ante?

However, she seems to think that keeping things spicy and always surprising her husband with new tricks is the way to go…so she religiously reads about New Sex Positions Guaranteed to Make Him Go Wild or 10 Tips For Achieving Your Most Intense Orgasm Ever!

Seriously though, vanilla blow jobs aside, I tried to argue that we know each so well that our sex is already amazingly awesome and we don’t need new positions to go wild with…we have a trusty few that work and it’s still hot*…

She disagrees…claiming it can always be better…

So who’s right**?

*like consistent multiple orgasm hot…go ahead, hate me…

**I’ll give you a hint, you’re reading her blog…