The Ear Suck

A bit of back story…Eric gets ear infections…a few a year…he always has, ever since he was a kid…he needs tubes, but will he get them? No! So whatever…

Driving home from dinner out and a trip to Target tonight….

Eric: Babe, this hurts so bad, and I can’t really hear anymore…

Me: Sorry sweetie…if I could help you I would!

Eric: Would you suck the wax out of my ear?  I think that’s the part of the problem.

Me: No, but I would hire someone to do it for you…there’s got to be some weird perv out there that likes to suck ears…

Eric: I don’t want some crazy guy sucking my ears..I really want you to do it.

Me: Uh, I thought you were joking, but there’s no way I’m going to suck your ear.

Eric: Please

Me: No

Eric: Please

Me: No

Eric: Please! I’m begging you, it really hurts and I think that would work!

Me: No! I’m not doing it, that’s disgusting! What if I sucked so hard that a big wad of earwax lodged itself in my throat! That’s gross, stop asking…

Five minutes later…still in the car…

Eric: What are you doing?

Me: Picking my nose, why?

Eric: See! You love gross stuff! This should be right up your alley!

Me: Babe, I love you, but there is no way I’m sucking your ear wax out! Stop, you’re grossing me out….

Five minutes later….

No, it didn’t work…

Yes, my mouth is really that big*…

And yes, I actually kind of enjoyed doing it**…

*making Eric one lucky son of a bitch…

**read: really enjoyed it! Eric had to make me stop….

The Big Truck

I like most everyone*…

But there is one woman in car line I can’t stand…

And it’s not fair to her…she really didn’t do anything…

Except she drives what I feel is the most obnoxious truck ever…

Seriously, you can’t miss the chick…

And it’s not because she’s sickingly adorable with her petite stature and curly blond hair…or because she always has her adorable little poodle like lap dog sticking it’s head out her window…

But because her truck takes up the whole damn car line…

 

And it makes me crazy every single day I see her…

It’s seriously the tallest truck I’ve ever seen out on a road…

And it pisses me off…

Because I know why she’s driving it…

So people notice her…

And hello????

I’m the bitch everyone is supposed to be looking at in car line!

Oh yeah, the super fly mom pulling up in her Grand Caravan…

But nope, everyone is looking at Miss Obnoxiously Big Truck Lady….

And quietly seething because they can’t see in front of the truck….

I know what everyone is car line is thinking too…

They’re all thinking what I’m thinking…

Do you double dog dare me?

*if you believe that you obviously don’t know me…

The Spin

Spinning…

It’s not my thing…

And before you jump on my shit and accuse me of naysaying something before I even tried it, let me assure you I’ve tried it…

And once I get my ass in gear I have a vlog coming your way getting into more detail on why it’s not my cup of tea*…

But until then, here’s one quick reason why I don’t like spin…

This is the size of the bike seat…

And yes, I’m aware that my inadequate drawing has left the seat looking like a penis drawn by a ten year old boy…you think you can do better? Bring it…until then, just roll with it…

And here is the size of my ass….

Oh yeah, it’s naked for your pleasure…do you like that?

And here is what happens when that big fat ass sits on that itty bitty seat…

Yeah, you see that little black dot that looks like a piece of shit? That is not shit, because I may pee on myself in public, even I draw the line at public defacation**. That is the seat, so far up my ass I’m surprised the spin instructor didn’t have to pry me off the bike or use some sort of chisel to separate us…I seriously felt like I should have taken the seat out for a drink or something after our intimate hour together…

That must have been why the class was full of skinny bitches…apparently you need to graduate to spin…

Or buy a wide ass seat…

Anyone know where to get one?

*or cup of nonfat caramel brulee latte with whip***…oh, how I love Starbucks during the holidays…

**and some of you thought I had no class…guess I showed you!

***don’t judge…the nonfat milk and whip cancel each other out…so there

 

Lost at the IHOP-A Blond Moment

Sometimes shit happens that leaves me almost* too embarrassed to share with you…

Like what happened today…

After my Zumba class I decided to take the kiddos to IHOP since Eric was working all day and I was trying to keep them busy and out of the house…

Are you thinking that one of my kids threw the most embarrassing tantrum ever** and that’s what I’m going to write about?

Ha! You are wrong!

It was way more embarrassing than that…luckily, only my children and myself, and perhaps a handful of strangers saw….

So…this is what happened…I gather my brood and cross the parking lot to the entrance when I see this…

Huh, I thought, I didn’t know IHOP had another entrance…

So I tell the kids to follow me, there must be another door on the side of the building…perhaps they built one during the remodel a year ago***….

And so we’re walking, and we’re walking, and the people are looking at us through the windows****…

And we’ve walked all the way to the back of the restaurant by the dumpster and my kids are now questioning if we’re ever going to go inside and eat…

And now we’re on the other side of the building traipsing through the grass and the whining is starting in earnest and I’m wondering where the hell the other entrance is…

When suddenly Blake says, Mom, I think the sign just meant the door right next to the first door…

Oh wow…

Yeah, I totally knew that…

Totally…I just wanted the kids to work up an appetite…

*but as we all know I have no shame…sigh

**please, give me some credit, like public tantrums embarrass me? A kid could break down in the middle of my gym and kick and scream and I wouldn’t bat an eye, and yes, I can back that up because Hope did that this morning…

***oh IHOP, how I’ve missed thee….

****people need to mind their own fucking business…except, you know, if it’s me, then I’ll stare all I want…