Dinner for Ungrateful Brats Served Here

I’ve talked about my kids assholery here before…

They’re assholes for peeing on me, for telling Wal Mart employees my vagina is hairy, and for making fun of my fat ass in the shower, amongst many other assholery things…

But almost every night I get a big dose of it….and man…it makes me crazy…

It all starts like this…


(did you notice my new hair?)

But then this happens…


Brooke isn’t pictured because she doesn’t have the words to bitch at me…but when she throws her full plate back at me I know she’s on their side…

Do you know how hard it is to cook for ungrateful little people judging your culinary skills nightly? And as my mom used to tell me and my siblings…it’s not a fucking diner…so I refuse to make them anything else…

Am I all alone here? Or do all of your kids lap up every morsel you serve them?

Or do you all just rotate spaghetti, tacos, and quesadillas every night?

 

The Ass Ache

Almost every morning I wake up with my ass on fire* courtesy of Eric.

It’s because we fall asleep like this…


Every night we go to sleep face to feet so we can rub each other’s feet and tushies while we talk…

And inevitably Eric gets his hand up my undies to the top of my back…giving me the mother of all wedgies…


I constantly ask him to pick my underwear out of my ass so my sad face disappears and he complies, but his hand always creeps back up through there and to my back…

And so I fall asleep with my underwear up my ass and then wake up and have to practically get pliers to pull it out of there…

I know what you’re thinking…just go to sleep like everybody else, face to face the normal way…

Like we haven’t tried that? It just doesn’t work for us…

And besides, I like my ass rubbed as I fall asleep….

So I guess I’m doomed to a life of ass aches and nighttime wedgies…sigh…

At least until my kids are grown and I don’t have to worry about them coming into bed with a naked mommy and then having to shell out thousands in therapy money…

How do you and your hubby*** sleep?

*you fucking pervert…you thought it’s because I take it up the back end? Let me assure you that’s an exit only area, although if that’s the way you like it…then to each their own**

**you nasty….

***or wife, or domestic partner, or sugar daddy….whatever….

No Guns No Ketchup

One of the only reasons I think I keep my kids around is because they amuse the fuck out of me….

Most of the time they’re whining and demanding things like food and drink and thus causing me to hide out in the bathroom with my Kindle Fire begging to be left alone due to bowel issues, but sometimes they really make me laugh…

Like when we took the whole brood to the fair and Blake saw this sign….


It was nothing special, just letting you know what is and what isn’t allowed inside….

But this is what Blake read off to me….

He was baffled….and Eric and I just about fell over laughing at him….

No ketchup….which made Eric and I do a series of improvisations where one was smuggling ketchup in and other was an officer making him drop the ketchup and no one gets hurt….

What have your kids done to amuse you lately?

No, I Am Not Dead

In two weeks I’ve showered five times.

The hair on my legs was so long I could braid it.

Small animals could have nested in Veronica…yes, she was that funky…last time Eric visited there he got lost…

I’ve made almost nothing but nuggets, spaghetti, and eggs for dinner.

Why?

Because my house had been turned into a den of yuck.

A place of germs, sickness, funk, boogers, and whiny as fuck people….

I was the only healthy one…everyone was sick…

Which meant I had to take care of everyone and everything…

I bet you thought I had dropped dead since I haven’t posted anything in forever, but no, I’ve been so fucking exhausted I could barely see straight….and all the shit I’ve been meaning to write about I have since forgotten…

Brooke had a sinus infection and such funky boogers that were everywhere I had to change her sheets twice a day…

Jack had such wretched bronchitis and a double ear infection he needed a double shot of antibiotics at the doctor and days at home…

Blake kept complaining his ears hurt…

Hope had a funky viral thing that needed no medication but required that I drink heavily to cope with her whining…

And Eric…

Eric…

Eric has been so sick he actually didn’t work for a week. In 13 years I’ve never seen him so sick. Bronchitis which totally fucked with his asthma.  We’re talking crazy antibiotics, steroids, breathing treatments, rescue inhalers, and other various shit I’ve been dosing him up with.  And the only reason he got all those drugs in because I made the doctor appointment, undressed him, put him in the shower, made him brush his teeth, lay out his clothes, lead him to the car, drive him to the doctor, sign him in, fill out his paperwork, and then march him back*….

God help me…

But now everyone is on the road to recovery, I’ve started showering regularly, and I’ve taken care of the body hair issue…

So stay tuned my friends…

Because this bitch? Is back…

*I may as well just start wiping his ass for him…