The Most Uncomfortable Ass Wax Ever

Okay, I know what you’re thinking*….

Is there any ass wax that isn’t uncomfortable?

And to that I answer, um….not really…

I’m a pretty mellow person and open person…especially after having four children and thus having all sort of strangers messing with Veronica, so to me, vaginas aren’t a big deal…once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all….

But an asshole?

Seems to me to be a bit more private…

I really don’t even let Eric visit that area…because why? Nothing good comes out of that end…

But when it comes to waxing, I like to take it all off…and how ridiculous would it be to have a naked cha cha and a hairy ass?**  Even if no one but myself, my hubs, and my physician will notice?

So there I am…spreading my cheeks in all their glory, and then it happens….


her hair was brushing against my naked ass….

And I did nothing…I just stayed down and prayed that it wouldn’t get stuck in the wax…the wax that was currently pulling the hair out by the root from my ass….

But really? Isn’t that the first thing they teach in waxing school? To tie up your damn hair?! I totally felt like it wasn’t my place to say anything unless we had hair to ass wax contact…

Luckily, that didn’t happen…her hair stayed in her head and my hair came out in her hand…

Everyone wins…

Now we just have to wait until next month and see…

*unless you’re wondering where the fuck I’ve been, to that I merely apologize for my absence and promise to try not to disappear again…

**because you all have hairy asses too, right? right? Who wants to start the hairy asshole club?

Break Ups and Vaginas

So it’s obvious that I haven’t been around much…

Honestly, I’ve been planning to break up with you…

But believe me, it’s not you…it’s me…

I’ve just been so tired and stressed and blah blah blah….

We’re going to move into our new house in a couple of months and we’ve been getting the flooring, the paint, the furniture…all that good stuff picked out, because we are bringing almost nothing with us…why? Because my little monsters have pretty much destroyed all of our shit…so there’s all that stress…

There’s also been financial crap that I won’t bore you with….but suffice to say that all the stress has caused me to gain back all the weight I have previously lost which means that in a couple of weeks I will indeed be the fattest bridesmaid

Sigh…

So anyway, there I was the other night…getting ready to finally pen my break up letter to you all…and then it hit me….


The smell of my own vagina….

We had all been at the fair all day in the hot hot sun and man…did I reek….

And my smelly vagina was like an epiphany to me….

I have to write…I have to keep my blog up…

Or else who will I tell when my own vagina is so foul that even I’m offended?

So I will make the effort to keep up on my happy pills and remember that writing is my stress relief…

So please, hang with me…don’t give up on me…I’m doing my damndest to keep my head above water …

And hopefully to get Veronica in some water….

The Ass Clap

I’ll be the first to tell you that I’m a pretty fabulous person.

I’m funny.  I’m super cute.  I have nice teeth. I draw awesome pictures of  vajazzled vaginas.

And I’m modest*.

All that being said, I was shocked to hear applause following me wherever I went…

Because no matter how adorable I am I don’t have a crew of people following me around clapping…although that’s a hell of an idea…

Shaking my junk during Zumba…applause…

Beating Blake’s ass doing Gangnam Style on Just Dance…applause…

Rocking Eric’s world when the kids are sleeping…massive applause….


Who is it? What the hell is going on?

And then, after puzzling over it for weeks I finally figured it out…

It’s my ass…

My big fat ass…

I have an ass clap.  My ass is applauding me during physical activity and overexertion.

And when I first realized my ass is so fat it was like my own personal applause track I didn’t know how to feel about it….should I be upset or excited? After all, it’s like I’m my very own reality show! But without the big check or 19 kids…

But then again, I have my very own ass clap. So maybe that means my ass is too big?

But really? The constant affirmation is pretty sweet….

No matter what I do I get applause…

I’m keeping the fat ass…

I like someone telling me I’m fabulous…

Even if it’s just me…

*such a fucking lie. I’m so not modest. But really? If you were as fantastically awesome as I am, you wouldn’t be either….

The Question of the Day

I haven’t shaved any part of my body since July…

Don’t you worry though, I’m not going ass crazy hippie shit and deciding natural is best, I’ve just decided to stick to waxing….

I’ve waxed haphazardly for the last 10 years, but as I get older my skin has gotten more sensitive and shaving just tears me up…so I’ve decided to stick to ripping the hair out by the root…

Everywhere…

Including Veronica…hey-go big or go home, right?

But yesterday as I was flat on my back I couldn’t help but wonder….


Yes? No?

Or what if she says, you need to come more often, you’re a very hairy lady!

Please, tell me you have a hairy asshole too…or gorilla legs, or a vagina so hairy birds could nest in there, it’ll make my embarrassment lessen…