Break Ups and Vaginas

So it’s obvious that I haven’t been around much…

Honestly, I’ve been planning to break up with you…

But believe me, it’s not you…it’s me…

I’ve just been so tired and stressed and blah blah blah….

We’re going to move into our new house in a couple of months and we’ve been getting the flooring, the paint, the furniture…all that good stuff picked out, because we are bringing almost nothing with us…why? Because my little monsters have pretty much destroyed all of our shit…so there’s all that stress…

There’s also been financial crap that I won’t bore you with….but suffice to say that all the stress has caused me to gain back all the weight I have previously lost which means that in a couple of weeks I will indeed be the fattest bridesmaid

Sigh…

So anyway, there I was the other night…getting ready to finally pen my break up letter to you all…and then it hit me….


The smell of my own vagina….

We had all been at the fair all day in the hot hot sun and man…did I reek….

And my smelly vagina was like an epiphany to me….

I have to write…I have to keep my blog up…

Or else who will I tell when my own vagina is so foul that even I’m offended?

So I will make the effort to keep up on my happy pills and remember that writing is my stress relief…

So please, hang with me…don’t give up on me…I’m doing my damndest to keep my head above water …

And hopefully to get Veronica in some water….

The Ass Clap

I’ll be the first to tell you that I’m a pretty fabulous person.

I’m funny.  I’m super cute.  I have nice teeth. I draw awesome pictures of  vajazzled vaginas.

And I’m modest*.

All that being said, I was shocked to hear applause following me wherever I went…

Because no matter how adorable I am I don’t have a crew of people following me around clapping…although that’s a hell of an idea…

Shaking my junk during Zumba…applause…

Beating Blake’s ass doing Gangnam Style on Just Dance…applause…

Rocking Eric’s world when the kids are sleeping…massive applause….


Who is it? What the hell is going on?

And then, after puzzling over it for weeks I finally figured it out…

It’s my ass…

My big fat ass…

I have an ass clap.  My ass is applauding me during physical activity and overexertion.

And when I first realized my ass is so fat it was like my own personal applause track I didn’t know how to feel about it….should I be upset or excited? After all, it’s like I’m my very own reality show! But without the big check or 19 kids…

But then again, I have my very own ass clap. So maybe that means my ass is too big?

But really? The constant affirmation is pretty sweet….

No matter what I do I get applause…

I’m keeping the fat ass…

I like someone telling me I’m fabulous…

Even if it’s just me…

*such a fucking lie. I’m so not modest. But really? If you were as fantastically awesome as I am, you wouldn’t be either….

The Question of the Day

I haven’t shaved any part of my body since July…

Don’t you worry though, I’m not going ass crazy hippie shit and deciding natural is best, I’ve just decided to stick to waxing….

I’ve waxed haphazardly for the last 10 years, but as I get older my skin has gotten more sensitive and shaving just tears me up…so I’ve decided to stick to ripping the hair out by the root…

Everywhere…

Including Veronica…hey-go big or go home, right?

But yesterday as I was flat on my back I couldn’t help but wonder….


Yes? No?

Or what if she says, you need to come more often, you’re a very hairy lady!

Please, tell me you have a hairy asshole too…or gorilla legs, or a vagina so hairy birds could nest in there, it’ll make my embarrassment lessen…


The Problem With Spin

Zumba is my soulmate workout…because as Penny told me when I was a child God wouldn’t have given you maracas if he didn’t want you to shake ‘em!*

But….

I was recently told that I need to shake up my workout every once in while, so in  addition to also doing TurboFire at home and some light weights I dragged my reluctant ass to a spin class…

Yes…again…

Because if you remember, I’ve tried spin before, and I had some issues with the problem that comes along with spin class….

But since my ass is considerably smaller I thought, eh-surely it won’t be that bad….and it’s only an hour….

Guess what? I was wrong…it was that bad…

Not so much for ass…

It was Veronica…

She was so mad at me when I was done I feared she’d never be pleased with me again and allow anything near her, including Eric**…

So when the instructor asked me at the end of class if I enjoyed it I was honest*** and told her that I didn’t enjoy it due to the fact that my vagina was now howling…

And you know what her response was?

Oh, don’t worry, your vagina will callous up in a few weeks and you won’t even notice it anymore!

WHAT THE FUCK?  WHO WANTS A CALLOUSED VAGINA? THIS IS NOT GOING TO BRING ME BACK TO CLASS!

Not to mention I’m fairly certain Eric doesn’t want to do a calloused vagina…but just in case I asked him…

And after he was done rolling his eyes at me he begged me to leave him alone and stop asking him ridiculous questions****.

But regardless of what Eric says or thinks, I’m pretty sure my ass isn’t going to be perched on that seat any time soon…

Do you spin? Does your vagina hurt and get calloused?

*who doesn’t love Dirty Dancing?

**which would be a shame because if knocking boots in the bedroom was an Olympic sport my man would get the gold…and I have the multiple orgasms to prove it….

***duh….like when am I anything but?

****which I take to mean that calloused or not he’d do this bitch like it was his job! oh yeah, I still got it!