Not Even I Can Make Public Urination Cool

8 May posted by

I used to really be able to take it*…

But a few weeks ago I realized that I’m not longer able to hang….

I never thought of myself as getting older, but the fair proved me wrong…yes, the very same fair that wouldn’t allow ketchup…

I’ve always loved thrill rides. Turn me upside down, zoom me along the track, throw me sharply from one side to another…this gal can handle it!

Or so I thought….

Until I got on The Avalanche…

Oh Avalanche, how I despise you…

Let me show you how the ride is…


The circles are the people…and that is us going around and around and around….and then it goes the other way…

Eric was on the ground with Brooke laughing his ass off at me as I gradually got greener and greener…while the three big kids were having a blast…

I just tried to breathe…in and out…in and out….

And when the ride finished I bolted off…and tried to keep my candy apple down…

And I was successful until Eric took the big kids on the Tilt-A-Whirl…then standing there in the middle of the fair I let it go…

All of it….


The throw up was so forceful that I couldn’t help but pee on myself at the same time…

Right in the middle of the fair.

It happened so quickly I didn’t have time to go behind the Headless Woman’s trailer and pee on myself in private…nope, right there where everyone could see was the way it happened…

And then I had to walk around in pee clothes for the remainder of the day…

Veronica was not a happy camper…and neither was I…

I really thought I could handle the rides…but alas I was wrong…

Well played fair….well played….

*and no, I don’t mean up the ass you perverts, that’s always been a no go zone…

7 Comments
Filed Under: embarrassing moments, Humor, pee, throw up, Urinary Incontinence, vagina stories, woe is me

No Guns No Ketchup

26 Apr posted by

One of the only reasons I think I keep my kids around is because they amuse the fuck out of me….

Most of the time they’re whining and demanding things like food and drink and thus causing me to hide out in the bathroom with my Kindle Fire begging to be left alone due to bowel issues, but sometimes they really make me laugh…

Like when we took the whole brood to the fair and Blake saw this sign….


It was nothing special, just letting you know what is and what isn’t allowed inside….

But this is what Blake read off to me….

He was baffled….and Eric and I just about fell over laughing at him….

No ketchup….which made Eric and I do a series of improvisations where one was smuggling ketchup in and other was an officer making him drop the ketchup and no one gets hurt….

What have your kids done to amuse you lately?

9 Comments
Filed Under: Blake, family, Humor, life in general, mommies

Where Are My Boobies?

12 Apr posted by

Not mine…

Let me assure you that my own boobies are firmly resting right by my belly button…

Unless your reading this while I’m sleeping, in which case they’re on my sides, since I tend to sleep on my back…

So if I’m not talking about my boobs, then whose boobs do I speak of?

Hope…

Yes, Hope’s non existent boobs…

This is what I walked into with my three oldest kids last week….


Yes, that’s Hope sitting topless on my bed asking her brothers where her boobies are?

I couldn’t even interrupt yet, I had to listen in….

Jack determined that when Hope got married, that’s when she would get “big ones like Mommy, so you can feed your babies”

Blake interjected and decided that Hope would get boobies when she’s a teenager because he’s seen teen girls and they have boobies…

Okay! Time to stop this conversation!

Hope, put your shirt on, you’ll get boobs when you’re about 12…

Boobs. Hope. Hope. Boobs.

Already I have to deal with this…

Please tell me I was right though…

Twelve? Right? She’ll be twelve?

Or 22?

I’m hoping for 22….

 

10 Comments
Filed Under: Blake, Hope, Humor, juju, parenting, question of the day

Break Ups and Vaginas

26 Mar posted by

So it’s obvious that I haven’t been around much…

Honestly, I’ve been planning to break up with you…

But believe me, it’s not you…it’s me…

I’ve just been so tired and stressed and blah blah blah….

We’re going to move into our new house in a couple of months and we’ve been getting the flooring, the paint, the furniture…all that good stuff picked out, because we are bringing almost nothing with us…why? Because my little monsters have pretty much destroyed all of our shit…so there’s all that stress…

There’s also been financial crap that I won’t bore you with….but suffice to say that all the stress has caused me to gain back all the weight I have previously lost which means that in a couple of weeks I will indeed be the fattest bridesmaid…

Sigh…

So anyway, there I was the other night…getting ready to finally pen my break up letter to you all…and then it hit me….


The smell of my own vagina….

We had all been at the fair all day in the hot hot sun and man…did I reek….

And my smelly vagina was like an epiphany to me….

I have to write…I have to keep my blog up…

Or else who will I tell when my own vagina is so foul that even I’m offended?

So I will make the effort to keep up on my happy pills and remember that writing is my stress relief…

So please, hang with me…don’t give up on me…I’m doing my damndest to keep my head above water …

And hopefully to get Veronica in some water….

20 Comments
Filed Under: confession, depression, Humor, I Have a Fat Ass, I'm crazy in real life, Mom Blog, vagina stories
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