How To Get Your Husband To Smile For Pictures

I am so blessed that it just so happens that one of my best friends happens to own Savor Photography and is one of the most talented photographers I know…and I’m seriously not just saying that because I adore Rachel and because I know she reads my page….

How awesome do we look? These are actually the first family pictures we’ve had done in five years because I kept saying I look too fat…sigh….

But seriously? Look at me now! I look fabulous!

And those kids…they look pretty cute too…

And did I mention me? How gorgeous I am?

Eric looks pretty damn sexy too….and that’s a hell of a smile on his face, isn’t it?

Want to know how I got that smile from him?

After taking pictures for a while he started to get stiff*, you know, that weird fake smile that we usually get from the kids…so Rachel told me to make him smile or laugh or anything…and since it was so windy out and she was shooting at distance she wouldn’t hear what I said…

So I said those magical words guaranteed to put a smile on any man’s face…

Smile nice for the camera and you’ll get a blow job later….

Ah, success…

Family pictures?

A wrap!

*read awkward….you fucking perverts**…

**not you! You I love…it’s those other fucking perverts…

The Mom You Hate

Today I am the mom you all hate.

And I don’t even feel bad about it…so na na na na boo boo.

What did I do, you’re wondering?

I took all of my kids to the park…

Even though Blake totally threw up last.  Not a little bit of puke, we’re talking so much vomit I couldn’t believe it and ended up tossing the sheets and blanket rather than deal with it.

So there…and you can’t even make me feel bad about it…

Why?  Why did I do this totally heinous thing?  Why would I put all of your precious little miracles in jeopardy of getting the barfy bug from my kid?

Simple…today was the first day of summer and we were going to have fun dammit!  So much fun they’d be whistling zip a dee doo dah out of their assholes*!  Today was the day that would set the tone for the rest of the summer, and I was not about to be trapped in the house with four little monsters my bundles of joy for what would have seemed like all of eternity…

So I went…and the kids played…and they ran around…and they splashed…and there was no throw up…and they said it was a fantastic day**.

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And you mothers who are gasping for breath at my thoughtless nature and who are fuming about my audacity to take a sick child out and potentially infect others…

I say blow it out your old wazoo***.

*National Lampoons Vacation…anyone?


**as I was tucking Jack in tonight he stated this was the worst day ever…that little shit…


***Annie anyone?  Come on, you remember, Pepper?

****there’s still time to enter my giveaway for a $25 gift card to EdenFantasys!

Not a Perfect Mom?

What could that possibly mean?

I know you all just think I am absolutely the definition of awesomeness and a pretty rockin‘ mom (go with it, just go with it), so what’s up with the subtitle of my blog?

Not a perfect mom? Not Holly! No way! Holly rocks!

Yes. Yes, that is true. I do rock. And I’m very modest…

Let me give you all an example of my how-I-rock-ness..

As we all know yesterday was Valentines Day and though Eric and I did nothing to celebrate I decided to make it special for the kids…

I started dinner out with these…

Which we all made together…which meant I had about a pound of flour on the floor after all of the pizzas were made…

But the mess was worth it for the joy on little faces while eating the heart shaped pizzas they helped create…


(did you notice the Valentine’s Day table also?)

And for dessert we finished up with this…

How awesome am I? So where’s the not a perfect mom part come into this whole scenario of awesome mom-ness you’re asking?

Right here baby…

It looks like an ordinary can of cooking spray….

Except about a week ago as I was cooking dinner Eric noticed me using that exact can of spray and commented on how much I use it…

To which I replied, Yeah, and it’s lasted me forever! Pretty amazing!

To which Eric replied, You mean that’s the same can you’ve had? Is it any good?

Hmmm, is it any good? Well, none of us are dead yet and there’s no odor about it, but perhaps I should check anyway…

And this is what I saw…

Yes, that’s right. My cooking spray expired in November of 2009…and knowing that I didn’t throw it in the trash right away…

And I’m thankful that I didn’t….because then what would I have used to spray the cookie sheets for those heart shaped pizzas for dinner last night?

Hey, don’t judge…none of my kids have grown a tail…yet…

When that happens…then I’m open to criticism…

Until then…who wants to come over for dinner?


My Beautiful Hope


Today she was.
An angel that is. It seems that as of late all I do is complain about Hope and the little 2 1/2 year old attitude and diva behavior she gives me everyday. From throwing all of her clothes around her bedroom to not sleeping at night to throwing temper tantrums over not getting the chocolate cupcake she desired for breakfast, it seems that I haven’t had anything nice to say about my first born daughter lately.
And so today I will share with you what a wonderful day we had. These are the days of old. From way back six months ago before she became the little princess she is now, and how I’ve missed it. I am hoping that today was the start of some new behavior from my Hope.
First stop this morning, Einstein Bagels for some coffee for mommy, juice for my angel, and bagels for both. We get what we like and as we are shuffling out an elderly gentlemen offered to get the door for us. It would have been much faster if I had done it myself, even carrying two coffees, one bagel, one juice, Brooke, with Hope holding onto me, than having this poor man slowly make his way to the door. But how could I refuse his generous offer, especially after these words were exchanged…”Please let me get the door for your princess!” To which Hope looks up at me with huge eyes and says, “How he know I Snow White?!”. Priceless. Because Hope really does think she is Snow White, and this man just confirmed that fact.
Next we go to the park…and we stay at the park for 2 1/2 hours. The weather was gorgeous, Hope played with her friends, I talked to my friends, Brooke rolled around and made the worlds stinkiest stage 3 chicken and stars poop…everyone was happy. Almost no bickering between the kids occurred and everyone shared snacks and turns on the slide. Bliss….
From there is was time for lunch. I was planning on just making something at home for my Snow White, but in the car she asked for eggs and sausages…which means she wanted to go to First Watch. I was hesitant…it seemed like we would be totally pushing our luck by adding a lunch outing, but she was begging me. So against my own judgement I went out for lunch, fully expecting it to be a disaster, with both a crying baby and me yelling at Hope from between my teeth to just sit down.
Lunch was lovely. Hope devoured her scrambled eggs, sausages, and toast with jelly. Brooke ate her lunch and then sat nicely so too could eat my lunch. How often does this happen? Um, just about never….
Move on to home where Hope settles down for Peter Pan and Brooke settles down for a nap. Eric comes home from work and I set off with Hope to collect the boys from school, and in the car Hope promptly falls asleep…nice!
After school Jack requests a trip to the park? Why not? I’m Mother of the Year today, lets go! And so we do, and everyone plays nicely, and then we come home for a taco dinner.
Showers follow, and a bit of TV time.
What a good day….
But just so you don’t all think aliens have abducted Hope she has come out of her room three times while I wrote this and finally I yelled at her the last time…
So I guess it’s back to normal…
It was good while it lasted though…