No Guns No Ketchup

One of the only reasons I think I keep my kids around is because they amuse the fuck out of me….

Most of the time they’re whining and demanding things like food and drink and thus causing me to hide out in the bathroom with my Kindle Fire begging to be left alone due to bowel issues, but sometimes they really make me laugh…

Like when we took the whole brood to the fair and Blake saw this sign….


It was nothing special, just letting you know what is and what isn’t allowed inside….

But this is what Blake read off to me….

He was baffled….and Eric and I just about fell over laughing at him….

No ketchup….which made Eric and I do a series of improvisations where one was smuggling ketchup in and other was an officer making him drop the ketchup and no one gets hurt….

What have your kids done to amuse you lately?

Yes, I Am Alive

Though I’m sure you were doubting it, since I haven’t written in…um…forever…

Fucking winter break….

Fucking kids home all. the. time.

I have no time to sit on the toilet and empty my bladder let alone write…

This is what my days have looked like…

5 am-Woken up by Blake dancing to Gangnam Style on Just Dnace 4*

5:05- Yell at Blake to turn the damn TV down

5:10-Yell at Blake to turn it down more

5:15- Threaten to throw the Wii in the goddamn trash if he doesn’t turn it down

6:08-Get woken up by Jack’s feet up my ass since he’s crawled into bed with me and sleeps upside down-shove him to Eric’s side

6:30-Get woken up by Hope demanding oatmeal

6:40-Get woken up by Hope still demanding oatmeal

6:45-Get out of bed because Hope is screaming that she’s so hungry her tummy is crying

6:55-Lay on couch and pray that Brooke will sleep for 30 more minutes so I can go back to sleep

7:05-Yell at three older kids for climbing into Brooke’s crib and waking her up

7:10-Distribute chocolate chip pancakes to boys and Brooke

7:15-I sneeze, and promptly pee all over myself since I have yet to sit on the toilet

7:16-Put on clean undies

7:20-Tell the boys to stop fighting over the Wii

7:22-Tell the boys to stop fighting over the Wii

7:24-Make the boys put on PBS so Brooke and Hope can watch Martha Speaks and maybe I can have one fucking cup of coffee in peace

7:30-Realize I’m out of creamer

7:34-Clean up the puddle of tears on my counter and settle for Corn Pops with milk

7:45-Take a shower

8:00-Clean up the shredded cheese fight that happened during said shower

8:15-Send everyone to their rooms until we leave for the museum

8:16-Try to get on computer

8:18-Give up since the kids keep coming out to ask if we’re leaving yet

8:20-Quickly dry my hair and throw clothes in dryer so they at least smell clean before we head off to the children’s museum

From 9 to about 12 or 1 I follow Hope and Brooke around while the boys are free to roam and desperately try not to lose them. I fail after the museum director gets my attention while I’m frantically searching for Brooke…she was halfway up the stairs by then…Mother of the Fucking Year right here folks…

As soon as we get home I then feed the kids a nutritious lunch of chicken nuggets and some sort of fruit before putting Brooke down for a nap.

2:00-I send the boys outside to play and put on the TV for Hope so Brooke can sleep in peace and I can get some writing done

2:05-Hope asks to go outside, I beg for 15 minutes

2:07-Hope asks to go outside, I plead for 10 minutes

2:10-Hope starts crying because it’s not fair that the boys are outside and all she wants to do is ride her bike

2:11-I go outside with Hope

Now that I’m outside all I do is break up fights over who gets what ball, who gets to pull the wagon and who gets to sit in it, and try to throw a football like I give a fuck…

3:30-Bribe Hope with popcorn and a Barbie movie to come inside

4:00-I vacuum up the popcorn fight that happened between the three big kids while I was texting and then getting Brooke up

4:15-I make my mad scramble to clean up the house so Eric doesn’t get all pissy when he comes home

4:30-I go pee

4:32-The house is a fucking wreck

4:35-Eric comes home and wonders out loud why the house looks like a bomb hit

From here on out it’s make dinner time, clean up dinner time, get four kids clean time, and clean up the damn house again time…

7:30-Start bed time

8:30-Last kid finally passes out after the last potty break, cup of water, hug, kiss, and tuck in

8:35-Eric looks over and gives me the look

8:37-I go into the bedroom and change my underwear again since I peed myself from laughing so hard

8:38-I get my computer and sit to write, but I’m so tired my eyes blur together…I give up and watch HGTV

9:00-I take my Kindle to bed…

And then I wake up and start all over again…

To say I can’t wait for the kids to go back t school next week is an understatement if I ever typed one…

How’s your winter break?

*to which I currently hold the high record in my house…ahem

How To Get Your Husband To Smile For Pictures

I am so blessed that it just so happens that one of my best friends happens to own Savor Photography and is one of the most talented photographers I know…and I’m seriously not just saying that because I adore Rachel and because I know she reads my page….

How awesome do we look? These are actually the first family pictures we’ve had done in five years because I kept saying I look too fat…sigh….

But seriously? Look at me now! I look fabulous!

And those kids…they look pretty cute too…

And did I mention me? How gorgeous I am?

Eric looks pretty damn sexy too….and that’s a hell of a smile on his face, isn’t it?

Want to know how I got that smile from him?

After taking pictures for a while he started to get stiff*, you know, that weird fake smile that we usually get from the kids…so Rachel told me to make him smile or laugh or anything…and since it was so windy out and she was shooting at distance she wouldn’t hear what I said…

So I said those magical words guaranteed to put a smile on any man’s face…

Smile nice for the camera and you’ll get a blow job later….

Ah, success…

Family pictures?

A wrap!

*read awkward….you fucking perverts**…

**not you! You I love…it’s those other fucking perverts…

Memories Captured-What Happened?

Every month I mean to link up with Alison and Galit, and everyone I fail…time just gets away from me….

And that’s so true with all aspects of life for me right…

Time is getting away from me….

How is Blake eight? How is Jack starting to read chapter books? How is Hope quickly approaching kindergarten? How is Brooke no longer a baby?

Time….

It keeps getting away from me…