How To Lose Weight In 2013

With the new year upon us I’ve heard everyone talking about how they’re finally finally finally going to lose all their extra weight! Good bye baby weight! See ya fat ass! Night night thigh rub!

To save you the effort I’ve compiled a list of all the different advice I’ve read over the past couple of weeks to help you attain your weight loss goals! You’re so welcome!

1. Eat less

2. Make sure you eat enough calories to fuel your body

3. Exercise more

4. Make sure you don’t exercise too much or you’ll put too much stress on your body

5. Start juicing to get enough vegetables in your diet

6. Make sure you’re not drinking too much juice so you have room for healthy proteins

7. Eat a vegan diet to cleanse your system

8. Eat organic meat so you’re not putting unnecessary hormones into your body

9. Make sure you’re getting enough calcium for optimal bone health

10. Stay away from dairy

11. Stay away from flour, sugar, and anything white for the love of God

12. Don’t be afraid of food, everything in moderation is okay

There….

That about sums up what I’ve read over lately, and you are so very welcome…good luck!

 

The Problem With Spin

Zumba is my soulmate workout…because as Penny told me when I was a child God wouldn’t have given you maracas if he didn’t want you to shake ‘em!*

But….

I was recently told that I need to shake up my workout every once in while, so in ¬†addition to also doing TurboFire at home and some light weights I dragged my reluctant ass to a spin class…

Yes…again…

Because if you remember, I’ve tried spin before, and I had some issues with the problem that comes along with spin class….

But since my ass is considerably smaller I thought, eh-surely it won’t be that bad….and it’s only an hour….

Guess what? I was wrong…it was that bad…

Not so much for ass…

It was Veronica…

She was so mad at me when I was done I feared she’d never be pleased with me again and allow anything near her, including Eric**…

So when the instructor asked me at the end of class if I enjoyed it I was honest*** and told her that I didn’t enjoy it due to the fact that my vagina was now howling…

And you know what her response was?

Oh, don’t worry, your vagina will callous up in a few weeks and you won’t even notice it anymore!

WHAT THE FUCK?  WHO WANTS A CALLOUSED VAGINA? THIS IS NOT GOING TO BRING ME BACK TO CLASS!

Not to mention I’m fairly certain Eric doesn’t want to do a calloused vagina…but just in case I asked him…

And after he was done rolling his eyes at me he begged me to leave him alone and stop asking him ridiculous questions****.

But regardless of what Eric says or thinks, I’m pretty sure my ass isn’t going to be perched on that seat any time soon…

Do you spin? Does your vagina hurt and get calloused?

*who doesn’t love Dirty Dancing?

**which would be a shame because if knocking boots in the bedroom was an Olympic sport my man would get the gold…and I have the multiple orgasms to prove it….

***duh….like when am I anything but?

****which I take to mean that calloused or not he’d do this bitch like it was his job! oh yeah, I still got it!

Tell Me I’m a Fattie

Seriously people…this is what I need you to do…

Whenever you see me tell me how fat I am…

I know what you’re thinking…Holly! But you look so fantastic! You’re down 19 pounds and are so damn sexy I can’t keep my eyes off of your hotness!

And while I may be turning into a hot piece of ass so that I’m not the fattest bridesmaid I have a confession to make…

I’ve lost my motivation…

The last ten days I’ve slowly been turning back into my gluttonous ways…

And yes! I am so fucking pissed at myself and yet I can’t seem to get my groove back…

And everyone telling me how absolutely fantastic I look isn’t helping…because then I say to myself, Oh Holly-go ahead…skip your workout today and eat a quarter pounder with cheese! It doesn’t matter…you look fantastic anyway!

So one day leads to another and another and before you know it, my groove is gone and my back fat is coming back….

So seriously people, tell me what a fat fucker I’m turning into and how I’m going to have to go on Jerry Springer and have the firefighters come cut me out of my house because I’m so fat Eric has to wipe my ass….

Ready, set, go!

The Fattest Bridesmaid

That’s what I’m going to be this coming April if I don’t get my fat ass into gear…

One of my oldest, bestest friends is engaged and has honored me with the title of bridesmaid…you know, along with six other lucky ladies…

Six very thin lucky ladies…

Like not fat…not chunky…not me…

So if I don’t want to end up on some creepy porno website like chunkybridesmaids dot com, I have some work to do…

Because this?


Is not a picture I want to remember…and not just because I’m terrified Tracey‘s going to put us in some fucking ridiculously ugly dress…

So I’m going to do something about it…

And shut the fuck up, I know what you’re thinking…that I’ve said it before…many times…

Well this time I mean it…because I don’t want to be the fat bridesmaid…

And this time I know it’s going to happen…because I’m paying Annie a crazy amount of money to baby sit me while I exercise and eat properly…

Starting August 6th…so don’t give me shit about the McFlurry I’m eating right now while watching The Real World reruns…

So let’s all say goodbye to these 35 pounds hanging out unwelcome on my frame…

Bye Bye Back Fat…