No, I Am Not Dead

In two weeks I’ve showered five times.

The hair on my legs was so long I could braid it.

Small animals could have nested in Veronica…yes, she was that funky…last time Eric visited there he got lost…

I’ve made almost nothing but nuggets, spaghetti, and eggs for dinner.

Why?

Because my house had been turned into a den of yuck.

A place of germs, sickness, funk, boogers, and whiny as fuck people….

I was the only healthy one…everyone was sick…

Which meant I had to take care of everyone and everything…

I bet you thought I had dropped dead since I haven’t posted anything in forever, but no, I’ve been so fucking exhausted I could barely see straight….and all the shit I’ve been meaning to write about I have since forgotten…

Brooke had a sinus infection and such funky boogers that were everywhere I had to change her sheets twice a day…

Jack had such wretched bronchitis and a double ear infection he needed a double shot of antibiotics at the doctor and days at home…

Blake kept complaining his ears hurt…

Hope had a funky viral thing that needed no medication but required that I drink heavily to cope with her whining…

And Eric…

Eric…

Eric has been so sick he actually didn’t work for a week. In 13 years I’ve never seen him so sick. Bronchitis which totally fucked with his asthma.  We’re talking crazy antibiotics, steroids, breathing treatments, rescue inhalers, and other various shit I’ve been dosing him up with.  And the only reason he got all those drugs in because I made the doctor appointment, undressed him, put him in the shower, made him brush his teeth, lay out his clothes, lead him to the car, drive him to the doctor, sign him in, fill out his paperwork, and then march him back*….

God help me…

But now everyone is on the road to recovery, I’ve started showering regularly, and I’ve taken care of the body hair issue…

So stay tuned my friends…

Because this bitch? Is back…

*I may as well just start wiping his ass for him…

How To Get Your Husband To Smile For Pictures

I am so blessed that it just so happens that one of my best friends happens to own Savor Photography and is one of the most talented photographers I know…and I’m seriously not just saying that because I adore Rachel and because I know she reads my page….

How awesome do we look? These are actually the first family pictures we’ve had done in five years because I kept saying I look too fat…sigh….

But seriously? Look at me now! I look fabulous!

And those kids…they look pretty cute too…

And did I mention me? How gorgeous I am?

Eric looks pretty damn sexy too….and that’s a hell of a smile on his face, isn’t it?

Want to know how I got that smile from him?

After taking pictures for a while he started to get stiff*, you know, that weird fake smile that we usually get from the kids…so Rachel told me to make him smile or laugh or anything…and since it was so windy out and she was shooting at distance she wouldn’t hear what I said…

So I said those magical words guaranteed to put a smile on any man’s face…

Smile nice for the camera and you’ll get a blow job later….

Ah, success…

Family pictures?

A wrap!

*read awkward….you fucking perverts**…

**not you! You I love…it’s those other fucking perverts…

You Have To Be Smarter Than The Dishwasher

Because I’m either a glutton for punishment or because I love my children, Eric and I decided to take our children to Disney last week…

And so we were renting a condo type place where we could cook meals and try to save some money…

And so I had to still do some basic chores…such as loading and emptying the dishwasher…

Sounds easy enough, right?

But I couldn’t get the damn thing to lock…

I hip checked it…

That didn’t work…I didn’t hear the click…

So I hip checked it a few more times before I brought out the big guns…

Pushing all my weight against it and swearing…

Right when I was starting into my rant about what a shitty place we were renting and how I was going to demand our money back, Eric came to the rescue…

Apparently it was one of those old school models where there was a lever…

Oops…

I swear I’m smarter than the dishwasher…

 

My Bed Through the Years….

Oh yes, I used to be a hot blonde….

It was just us and no worries…we had all the time in the world to do whatever we wanted…

Then we got married…


And you know…things cool down ever so slightly….and yeah, my hair got darker…but hey, I had already snared my man! No need to get my hair foiled every six weeks for three hours and hundreds of dollars at a time…

Now we have kids….

And this is what it looks like in our bed…

They weasel their way in and I get to sleep at the foot of the bed like a fucking dog…no blankets and they steal my pillow…

Where’s Eric you’re asking?

On the couch…

That’s where he ends up around 3 or 4 in the morning if it’s one of those nights where everyone sneaks in…

That’s why Eric calls the kids his little CB’s…

And that would stand for cock blockers….

Aren’t kids grand?