The Ass Ache

Almost every morning I wake up with my ass on fire* courtesy of Eric.

It’s because we fall asleep like this…


Every night we go to sleep face to feet so we can rub each other’s feet and tushies while we talk…

And inevitably Eric gets his hand up my undies to the top of my back…giving me the mother of all wedgies…


I constantly ask him to pick my underwear out of my ass so my sad face disappears and he complies, but his hand always creeps back up through there and to my back…

And so I fall asleep with my underwear up my ass and then wake up and have to practically get pliers to pull it out of there…

I know what you’re thinking…just go to sleep like everybody else, face to face the normal way…

Like we haven’t tried that? It just doesn’t work for us…

And besides, I like my ass rubbed as I fall asleep….

So I guess I’m doomed to a life of ass aches and nighttime wedgies…sigh…

At least until my kids are grown and I don’t have to worry about them coming into bed with a naked mommy and then having to shell out thousands in therapy money…

How do you and your hubby*** sleep?

*you fucking pervert…you thought it’s because I take it up the back end? Let me assure you that’s an exit only area, although if that’s the way you like it…then to each their own**

**you nasty….

***or wife, or domestic partner, or sugar daddy….whatever….

The Big Bug

As you all remember, my husband and kids have all been sick as fuck the last few weeks and I’m just starting to get my shit back together…

And when Eric was sick that pretty much made me his little bitch to do his bidding, which is why I was at Taco Bell at 8:30 one night picking up XXL Nachos and Chalupas for my sickly husband…

When I rolled into the garage there it was…

The biggest palmetto/roach/Florida bug I’ve ever seen in my life…right on the top corner of the doorway into the house, so there was no way this bitch was getting out of the car…

I immediately called my coughing up a lung husband and demanded his assistance because this fine gal? Does not do bugs…

And apparently neither does Eric…

He didn’t want to kill the damn thing…Instead he wanted to shoo the big ass bug away.

When the fuck did he become such a humanitarian? It’s not like it was a bald eagle or a cute little bunny…it was a big nasty disease ridden roach…

But whatever…I played along…Eric was obviously delirious with fever and not thinking straight…

Besides, it was pretty damn amusing watching the dance of the roach with Eric in only his underwear, hot and feverish, leaping and signaling to me…

So I pulled a taco out the bag and sat back…

Every once in a while Eric would signal for me to drive backwards…a bit more, a bit more, just a bit more…

And finally! He freed the roach! I could roll back into the garage and go upstairs….

CRUNCH!!!!!!!

Yup, you read that right…when I drove back in I ran the fucker over…

The look on Eric’s face was priceless, if only I had it on video for you people you all would piss your pants laughing…

So let this be a lesson to you all…just kill the damn bugs…

But not the bunnies….

No, I Am Not Dead

In two weeks I’ve showered five times.

The hair on my legs was so long I could braid it.

Small animals could have nested in Veronica…yes, she was that funky…last time Eric visited there he got lost…

I’ve made almost nothing but nuggets, spaghetti, and eggs for dinner.

Why?

Because my house had been turned into a den of yuck.

A place of germs, sickness, funk, boogers, and whiny as fuck people….

I was the only healthy one…everyone was sick…

Which meant I had to take care of everyone and everything…

I bet you thought I had dropped dead since I haven’t posted anything in forever, but no, I’ve been so fucking exhausted I could barely see straight….and all the shit I’ve been meaning to write about I have since forgotten…

Brooke had a sinus infection and such funky boogers that were everywhere I had to change her sheets twice a day…

Jack had such wretched bronchitis and a double ear infection he needed a double shot of antibiotics at the doctor and days at home…

Blake kept complaining his ears hurt…

Hope had a funky viral thing that needed no medication but required that I drink heavily to cope with her whining…

And Eric…

Eric…

Eric has been so sick he actually didn’t work for a week. In 13 years I’ve never seen him so sick. Bronchitis which totally fucked with his asthma.  We’re talking crazy antibiotics, steroids, breathing treatments, rescue inhalers, and other various shit I’ve been dosing him up with.  And the only reason he got all those drugs in because I made the doctor appointment, undressed him, put him in the shower, made him brush his teeth, lay out his clothes, lead him to the car, drive him to the doctor, sign him in, fill out his paperwork, and then march him back*….

God help me…

But now everyone is on the road to recovery, I’ve started showering regularly, and I’ve taken care of the body hair issue…

So stay tuned my friends…

Because this bitch? Is back…

*I may as well just start wiping his ass for him…

Thirty-One

Today I celebrate my 29th birthday…for the third time….

The only good thing about birthdays are the gifts..I’m a huge present whore…and even though none of you sent me anything this year (ahem, it’s not too late) I’ve decided to give you all something…

It’s a list! Yay! I love lists! So here’s 31 things you may not know about me…

1. I’m the second in a line of four kids

2. I have flat feet

3. I was in JROTC in high school and was battalion XO my senior year (second in command).  Shut up, it was cool

4. I was also a huge theatre person. What? You’re not surprised? You knew I was a drama queen?

5. I wanted to study anthropology in college

6. And historical fiction

7. Then I wanted to run off and join the WWE to be a professional wrestler

8. So I dropped out of college after two years because I obviously had no clue what the fuck I wanted to be

9. I used to have my nose pierced. And my belly button. And my nipples. And a Marilyn. And my tongue. And my ears-15 times

10. My hair used to be blue

11. And purple

12. Pantyhose make my ass itch

13. Hope got her name when I was 9 weeks pregnant and thought we lost her

14. I can peel a banana with my feet

15. I never wanted to have children until I met Eric

16. And after our first date I woke up my best friend to tell her I was going to marry him

17. We didn’t have sex on our wedding night. We counted money and passed out

18. When I was 16 I passed out drunk at a school football game and was taken away in an ambulance

19. As a result of that night my principal called me Chugs for the rest of the school year

20. I look forward to ingrown hairs and pimples so I can pop them

21. I’m scared to have another child

22. Some of my favorite foods are tripe, fried chicken gizzards, and turkey necks.

23. And I love to wash it all down with pickle juice

24. My favorite part of breastfeeding is squirting Eric in the eye while lying in bed when he’s not expecting it

25. My favorite movies are Shag, Little Women, and Empire Records

26. I’m scared of my kids growing up and moving away

27. One of my favorite shows is Snapped! Women Who Kill. I partly watch it just to keep Eric on his toes

28. I use about six Q-tips a day. I love the feeling of the dig

29. Sometimes when I’m in the car I catch all four kids in the review mirror and am shocked, I can’t believe they’re mine

30. And I’m scared I’m not a good enough mother for them

31. I depend on my husband for far too much…

There you have it…what don’t I know about you?