The Most Uncomfortable Ass Wax Ever

Okay, I know what you’re thinking*….

Is there any ass wax that isn’t uncomfortable?

And to that I answer, um….not really…

I’m a pretty mellow person and open person…especially after having four children and thus having all sort of strangers messing with Veronica, so to me, vaginas aren’t a big deal…once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all….

But an asshole?

Seems to me to be a bit more private…

I really don’t even let Eric visit that area…because why? Nothing good comes out of that end…

But when it comes to waxing, I like to take it all off…and how ridiculous would it be to have a naked cha cha and a hairy ass?**  Even if no one but myself, my hubs, and my physician will notice?

So there I am…spreading my cheeks in all their glory, and then it happens….


her hair was brushing against my naked ass….

And I did nothing…I just stayed down and prayed that it wouldn’t get stuck in the wax…the wax that was currently pulling the hair out by the root from my ass….

But really? Isn’t that the first thing they teach in waxing school? To tie up your damn hair?! I totally felt like it wasn’t my place to say anything unless we had hair to ass wax contact…

Luckily, that didn’t happen…her hair stayed in her head and my hair came out in her hand…

Everyone wins…

Now we just have to wait until next month and see…

*unless you’re wondering where the fuck I’ve been, to that I merely apologize for my absence and promise to try not to disappear again…

**because you all have hairy asses too, right? right? Who wants to start the hairy asshole club?

Not Even I Can Make Public Urination Cool

I used to really be able to take it*…

But a few weeks ago I realized that I’m not longer able to hang….

I never thought of myself as getting older, but the fair proved me wrong…yes, the very same fair that wouldn’t allow ketchup

I’ve always loved thrill rides. Turn me upside down, zoom me along the track, throw me sharply from one side to another…this gal can handle it!

Or so I thought….

Until I got on The Avalanche…

Oh Avalanche, how I despise you…

Let me show you how the ride is…


The circles are the people…and that is us going around and around and around….and then it goes the other way…

Eric was on the ground with Brooke laughing his ass off at me as I gradually got greener and greener…while the three big kids were having a blast…

I just tried to breathe…in and out…in and out….

And when the ride finished I bolted off…and tried to keep my candy apple down…

And I was successful until Eric took the big kids on the Tilt-A-Whirl…then standing there in the middle of the fair I let it go…

All of it….


The throw up was so forceful that I couldn’t help but pee on myself at the same time…

Right in the middle of the fair.

It happened so quickly I didn’t have time to go behind the Headless Woman’s trailer and pee on myself in private…nope, right there where everyone could see was the way it happened…

And then I had to walk around in pee clothes for the remainder of the day…

Veronica was not a happy camper…and neither was I…

I really thought I could handle the rides…but alas I was wrong…

Well played fair….well played….

*and no, I don’t mean up the ass you perverts, that’s always been a no go zone…

The One Pit Wonder

Friday was a regular day…nothing spectacular happened…

But all day long I kept getting looks..

You know, those looks..from random people…

I took the kids to the museum where the big kids ran around doing their own thing and I followed Brooke around…lifting her up and then putting her down when she was done cuddling or hugging for that moment and ready to keep playing.  Up and down and up and down she went…

The looks followed me wherever we went…

The kids and I went to lunch…there I lifted Brooke up into the highchair and then back down…

The looks…

I checked my teeth, nothing in them.  No boogers hanging out of my nose, no cheerios on my ass, no stains right on my boobs…

Oh well, one mustn’t dwell…I figured those bitches were just jealous of how effortlessly I wrangled my brood out in public without flipping out…

So I out it out of my mind…until I saw myself in the mirror the next morning at Zumba shaking my ass…


While I was waxing my own pits the day before I must have gotten distracted by the kids and not finished…and totally forgotten*…

Which is why everyone was giving me the funny lady look…because this chick? Is one hairy bitch and that long dark armpit hair must have been all up in everyone else’s business…

How gross..

But at least I remembered deodorant that day**

*let’s all take a minute and be thankful I’m lucky enough to pay someone to wax Veronica for me

**because yes, that story’s coming up soon also

Why Kids Are Assholes-Part 4

I have no privacy…

I can’t pee alone, shower alone, or dress alone…

In fact, I hardly ever sleep with my husband alone either…our children have mastered the art of cock blocking to ensure that no more children will join our family…

But I digress…

No privacy means that when I was waxing my legs I did so in the company of Hope who watched and asked questions the whole time…

Does that hurt mommy? How many times do you have to do it? Is that why you have no hair on your pee-pee Mommy? Are you going to do Daddy’s body so he’s not hairy either?

For 45 straight minutes I listened to her…

Fast forward three days….

Setting: The Wal Mart check out line….

Check Out Girl: (holding my box of Veet wax strips) Do these work? I’m tiring of bleaching my mustache, I don’t think it works good enough….

And Hope replied…


Yes. Yes, it was as embarrassing as it sounds…

The Wal Mart chick turned bright red, I turned bright red, neither one of us said anything else, I paid and left…

And it’s official, Hope is my least favorite, assholery child….

Asshole