Dinner for Ungrateful Brats Served Here

I’ve talked about my kids assholery here before…

They’re assholes for peeing on me, for telling Wal Mart employees my vagina is hairy, and for making fun of my fat ass in the shower, amongst many other assholery things…

But almost every night I get a big dose of it….and man…it makes me crazy…

It all starts like this…


(did you notice my new hair?)

But then this happens…


Brooke isn’t pictured because she doesn’t have the words to bitch at me…but when she throws her full plate back at me I know she’s on their side…

Do you know how hard it is to cook for ungrateful little people judging your culinary skills nightly? And as my mom used to tell me and my siblings…it’s not a fucking diner…so I refuse to make them anything else…

Am I all alone here? Or do all of your kids lap up every morsel you serve them?

Or do you all just rotate spaghetti, tacos, and quesadillas every night?

 

Family Dinners, or Gross Times?

I know how important family dinners are.  I get it.  The research all says that if you don’t eat together then your kids are at risk for becoming sociopaths and they’ll get bad grades and drop out of school.  Okay, maybe a slight exaggeration, but you all know what I’m saying, that if we don’t eat with our kids every night we’re doing irreversible damage…

But eating with the kids is highly unappetizing…and here’s why…

1. Mashed Potato Towers.  Hope is a master in this lost art…and watching her sculpt is thoroughly unappetizing…even with the peas added as embellishment…

2. Snorted Milk.  You know what I’m talking about, the milk out of the nose.  One kid makes a fart joke or says the magic word: poop, and that’s enough to send off gales of laughter causing the milk to come right out the nose….nice!

3. The Announcement.  We get the announcement during dinner every night from Jack. Don’t anyone eat my dinner, I have to go make a big poop!  Wow, that’s great.  And inevitably I have to smell his hands when he comes back to determine that he didn’t wash them and send him back.  Yum, pass the corn please.

4. Dogs.  No, we don’t have any, but I do have children that like to eat like animals.  I have to routinely remind them to eat like people, but when they pick up their faces from their plates and they’re covered in rice and the juices from the meat, that’s enough to kill my appetite.

5. The Spray.  You all know what I mean.  The food spray.  The disgusting chewed up food spray.  The laugh out loud looking straight at you food spray.  If I’m really lucky the food gets sprayed onto my face, but more often than not it ends up as a film covering my own meal.  Yum, it’s like a special seasoning, only it’s disgusting as hell…

But we’ll continue to eat with these little monsters anyway…

Besides, I can almost always eat with my eyes closed now anyway…

*today I’m guesting over at Julie’s place, 3 Moms in 1, so make sure you go check out yet another reason why I’m not that perfect mom…

She Likes It From the Left

When I was a child my mother often told me that I must lay awake at night thinking of ways to annoy her and also thinking up stupid questions to ask her the next day.

And she also told me she hoped my own children would do the same to me.

Naturally I thought my children were going to be little angels full of intelligent questions* and of course they would never want to annoy their loving mother…I was wrong…

And lately it has been Brooke who is out to destroy me…

Brooke.  The Good One.  My Baby.

My baby who has decided not accept food if I have it in my right hand.  Yes, you read that correctly…

Brooke only wants me to feed her from the left hand.

Any right handedness results in this…

And this…

And a hand smack quickly follows sending food flying onto the kitchen walls…

After wondering why, I have come to the conclusion that it is just to torture me, seeing as how I’m a righty and using my left hand is super uncomfortable.

Brooke is purposely making me work harder, just because she can…unless someone is watching, then she’s the picture of innocence…(Eric was standing here while I tried to show him how evil Brooke was being)

But if it’s just me and Little Miss Almond Eyes and I deviate from her plans then I get this…

 Don’t you just love these Always Happy Never Causing Any Trouble Children With Down Syndrome**?

*or in Jack’s case, questions out to destroy me


**insert sarcasm here

***and just so you don’t think that Hope has given up the title of Worst Kid Ever, I found her naked under the dining room table with a cup of pee only yesterday…

My Signature Scent

Most people I know have a signature scent. My mother in law drenches herself in Elizabeth Taylor’s White Diamonds and one friend of mine only uses Chanel no 5 (I think just so she can say that’s what she uses), and still another swears by Glow by J.Lo, because apparently she’s still stuck in 2002. Whatever though, I’m not a hater…after all, when I was 12 and my perfume selection came from Walgreens I thought that Charlie White was the height of glamour…

Personally, I prefer Happy by Clinique…in fact, it’s the only scent I’ve worn since I was 18 (do you all hear that? all of you that insist on getting me body sprays for Christmas and my birthday? I won’t use them). Unfortunately, most people don’t think of me whenever they get whiff of Happy somewhere…why not? Because my signature scent has changed in the last few years..

Now I smell of eau de Holly…which is a mixture of spit up, poop, and exhaustion; with perhaps a bit of disbelief that I have four kids under the age of seven. If I had to describe the scent to you I’d call it musky

So why don’t I shower more often than the one every 36-48 hours I get? Because this is what I come out to…

(what? I’m just having some chips.)


(these are delicious! where have you been hiding these?
Hope…can I have more?)

who else did you think was behind The Great Chip Debacle?


(yum yum yum…you get in my belly*!!)

(if you insist on vacuuming those up then I’ll get them myself!)

So there you have it…that’s why I’m not always fresh as a daisy…so let’s all take this time to thank Secret for coming out with the over the counter prescription strength deodorant…ahhh

*this is just one example of how you can tell a parent of a child with Down Syndrome apart from another parents…instead of immediately taking away the chips I marveled at how good she’s becoming at self feeding! And then took pictures…