The Ass Clap

I’ll be the first to tell you that I’m a pretty fabulous person.

I’m funny.  I’m super cute.  I have nice teeth. I draw awesome pictures of  vajazzled vaginas.

And I’m modest*.

All that being said, I was shocked to hear applause following me wherever I went…

Because no matter how adorable I am I don’t have a crew of people following me around clapping…although that’s a hell of an idea…

Shaking my junk during Zumba…applause…

Beating Blake’s ass doing Gangnam Style on Just Dance…applause…

Rocking Eric’s world when the kids are sleeping…massive applause….


Who is it? What the hell is going on?

And then, after puzzling over it for weeks I finally figured it out…

It’s my ass…

My big fat ass…

I have an ass clap.  My ass is applauding me during physical activity and overexertion.

And when I first realized my ass is so fat it was like my own personal applause track I didn’t know how to feel about it….should I be upset or excited? After all, it’s like I’m my very own reality show! But without the big check or 19 kids…

But then again, I have my very own ass clap. So maybe that means my ass is too big?

But really? The constant affirmation is pretty sweet….

No matter what I do I get applause…

I’m keeping the fat ass…

I like someone telling me I’m fabulous…

Even if it’s just me…

*such a fucking lie. I’m so not modest. But really? If you were as fantastically awesome as I am, you wouldn’t be either….

The Fattest Bridesmaid

That’s what I’m going to be this coming April if I don’t get my fat ass into gear…

One of my oldest, bestest friends is engaged and has honored me with the title of bridesmaid…you know, along with six other lucky ladies…

Six very thin lucky ladies…

Like not fat…not chunky…not me…

So if I don’t want to end up on some creepy porno website like chunkybridesmaids dot com, I have some work to do…

Because this?


Is not a picture I want to remember…and not just because I’m terrified Tracey‘s going to put us in some fucking ridiculously ugly dress…

So I’m going to do something about it…

And shut the fuck up, I know what you’re thinking…that I’ve said it before…many times…

Well this time I mean it…because I don’t want to be the fat bridesmaid…

And this time I know it’s going to happen…because I’m paying Annie a crazy amount of money to baby sit me while I exercise and eat properly…

Starting August 6th…so don’t give me shit about the McFlurry I’m eating right now while watching The Real World reruns…

So let’s all say goodbye to these 35 pounds hanging out unwelcome on my frame…

Bye Bye Back Fat…

Diary of a Fat Mom…Week, uh…

I know, you all totally gave up on my fat ass.  And I can’t blame you.  After my promise to eat better and really really lose the weight this time I didn’t.  Instead I bonded with Ben and Jerry, I melded with Betty Crocker, and then all the weight I had lost came back.

But now, I’m happy to tell you, I’m really really going to do it!  Oh yes!  In fact, I joined a gym.  Not only did I join, but I’ve been going five or six days a week.  And I’m totally going to keep it up, I love it*, and not only because they have child care and I’m so happy to have a break**.

So why?  Why now?

It’s my underwear.  They are so freaking hideous and large and unsexy I can’t stand it.

I want to illustrate for this for you…

See?  Ariel can use my underwear for a hammock.  That’s a big fat ass.

But with my old super cute undies she can barely hang on.

It looks like my (not) new unsexy underwear can eat my skinny girl panties.

And for that I will change my body.  I want my sexy underwear back.

And I learned I’m 37% body fat.  Seriously.  If my body were Disney World, then Animal Kingdom would be all blubber.  That’s a whole lot of jiggle***.

But soon it will be gone.  You can bet your sweet ass. *love may be a strong word, I kinda sorta like it, but I am excited to not have an ass that has its own zip code

**kinda only 

*which I feel badly for the people behind me in Zumba, cuz this jiggle ain’t pretty to the beat of J.Lo

Diary of a Fat Mom…Week 14

Seeing as how today is Wednesday and I usually post my fat mom* update on Monday I won’t lie to you fine folks, I wasn’t going to update.  Why?  Because I didn’t lose, I didn’t gain, I didn’t try…but now…

Someone needs to call the goddamned mayor and schedule my ticker tape parade….because this fat bitch? Just exercised!

Yes, I am totally serious.  I blew the dust off of the Jillian and popped her into the Xbox.

And now I want to die.

Exercise sucks.  That must be why I haven’t done it in, um, forfreakingever…

And exercise sucks even more for a chunky gal like myself…because no matter how tight my leggings are to hold in my fat, I can still feel it jiggling all over the place**.

But today I got a slap in the face at my MOPS*** group.  Our speaker was on Dieting by Personality and I was all, ooh-now I’m going to learn the secret of how a chunky overeating bitch who hates exercise should be eating!  This is exactly what I need!

Guess what?  According to my personality I like second helpings and rich creamy sauces.  I’m a social eater.  I need to watch calories and portion control.  What the fuck?  I knew that.  And it seems like the other, way less fun personalities really had it better than me…so all snarky I sent out a tweet**** about the meeting and went on my way…

Then I thought about it.  She was totally right*****.  I do need to watch calories and portion size.  That’s how I lost 50 pounds after I had Jack and 35 after Hope.  I know this.  I just need to implement it.

But chunky gals like to eat…so in comes Jillian…stupid stupid Jillian, with her stupid flat belly and crappy lunges and shittastic ass of steel…

So wish me luck me friends…I’m going to try…but tomorrow night I’m off…it’s my Real Housewives of New York night with my girl Taryn and she makes real popcorn with real butter

But if I exercise first and eat sensibly all day, then I can indulge…right?  Right?

*I got the nicest compliment the other day from Deanna..she said I sounded skinny on The Coffee Klatch…I heart Deanna…

**how freaking sexy am I?  I know, please contain yourselves…

***Mothers of Preschoolers, where I routinely drink my weight in coffee with flavored creamer

****you are following me on Twitter, right?

*****you will probably never hear me admit someone else was right ever again, so savor that