Break Ups and Vaginas

So it’s obvious that I haven’t been around much…

Honestly, I’ve been planning to break up with you…

But believe me, it’s not you…it’s me…

I’ve just been so tired and stressed and blah blah blah….

We’re going to move into our new house in a couple of months and we’ve been getting the flooring, the paint, the furniture…all that good stuff picked out, because we are bringing almost nothing with us…why? Because my little monsters have pretty much destroyed all of our shit…so there’s all that stress…

There’s also been financial crap that I won’t bore you with….but suffice to say that all the stress has caused me to gain back all the weight I have previously lost which means that in a couple of weeks I will indeed be the fattest bridesmaid

Sigh…

So anyway, there I was the other night…getting ready to finally pen my break up letter to you all…and then it hit me….


The smell of my own vagina….

We had all been at the fair all day in the hot hot sun and man…did I reek….

And my smelly vagina was like an epiphany to me….

I have to write…I have to keep my blog up…

Or else who will I tell when my own vagina is so foul that even I’m offended?

So I will make the effort to keep up on my happy pills and remember that writing is my stress relief…

So please, hang with me…don’t give up on me…I’m doing my damndest to keep my head above water …

And hopefully to get Veronica in some water….

The Smell

It was early Monday morning when I noticed The Smell.

I was getting the kids ready for school…making breakfast, getting clothes, yelling at kids to just brush your teeth already!* while simultaneously cleaning up the breakfast dishes and getting dirty clothes into the laundry room.

And all morning long I noticed The Smell.  So I changed Brooke’s diaper, made the kids brush teeth again, poured bleach down the garbage disposal, emptied the trash and sprayed the bin….

Ah! Finally I could go brush my teeth, get dressed and get the kids out the door…

But there was The Smell again, in my car…

No problem though, I’ll breathe through my mouth…besides, I quickly figured out it was different Smell, because lets be honest…my van is pretty much a dumping ground for all of my kids shit, so it’s no wonder it smell like asshole.

Okay, so the kids are dropped off, time for some mommy and Brooke time! I decided that before her speech therapy we would just hang out at home and tea party it up! Holla! So we sit at the table and there it is again…The Smell! Arg! What the hell? After thoroughly sniffing Brooke’s ass I decided it wasn’t her and so we abandoned out tea party and went on a Smell search.

Duh! The boy’s bathroom! That place is so full of funk it was obviously seeping into every other crevice of my house…so I got the spray, put Brooke in charge of the paper towels and we went to town! There was no pee on the wall or poop smears on the toilet or cabinets when we were done…

Speech therapy here we come! And as I sit in the waiting room I smell it again.  After checking my shoes and finding them clean I’ve decided that something is wrong with my nose** and went about my business…

Fast forward to 3:30 that afternoon…Jack has requested an emergency snuggle and we are snuggling away in my bed when he says it…

“Mom! You smell! Is that your armpits or your feet? Or your hair?”

Huh…what? So does he mean to tell me that The Smell I’d been working so hard on figuring out and getting rid of was actually me?

Because I forgot deodorant.  I was The Smell.  Which may explain why no one sat next to me in the waiting room that morning…

And thus so far this week, I Smell and I forgot to wax one arm pit

Next week can only get better, right? Right?

Fucking mommy brain…

*why? why won’t the kids just brush their fucking teeth? everyday it’s my most hated battle..it’s like they want moldy gums

**about a month ago I was cleaning the grout with strong chemicals and no open windows…as a result most of my nose hair was singed off…it’s just started to grow back…no, I’m not fucking with you

Tell Me I’m a Fattie

Seriously people…this is what I need you to do…

Whenever you see me tell me how fat I am…

I know what you’re thinking…Holly! But you look so fantastic! You’re down 19 pounds and are so damn sexy I can’t keep my eyes off of your hotness!

And while I may be turning into a hot piece of ass so that I’m not the fattest bridesmaid I have a confession to make…

I’ve lost my motivation…

The last ten days I’ve slowly been turning back into my gluttonous ways…

And yes! I am so fucking pissed at myself and yet I can’t seem to get my groove back…

And everyone telling me how absolutely fantastic I look isn’t helping…because then I say to myself, Oh Holly-go ahead…skip your workout today and eat a quarter pounder with cheese! It doesn’t matter…you look fantastic anyway!

So one day leads to another and another and before you know it, my groove is gone and my back fat is coming back….

So seriously people, tell me what a fat fucker I’m turning into and how I’m going to have to go on Jerry Springer and have the firefighters come cut me out of my house because I’m so fat Eric has to wipe my ass….

Ready, set, go!

I Shit You Not

When Eric and I first moved in together, I would not even take a shit if he was in the apartment at the same time as me.

I was 19, thin and sexy. I had long blond hair and perky breasts. I was cute and funny and I most certainly did not want my boyfriend to know that I did anything as unattractive as move my bowels.

No crapping for this gal!

Luckily, when Eric and I first starting shacking up I was working days and he was working nights, so I was usually able to have my privacy and ensure the bathroom was smelling lilac fresh before my beloved arrived back home….

But man…Oh man….there were some days my eyeballs would be brown and shit would practically be coming out my ears as I waited for him to leave for work….

And then oh…the sweet sweet release…better than the newly uninterrupted have sex anytime you want sex…

And you all know how awesome that sex is…mmmm yeah….

Anyway…

Shitting…

As you’re probably thinking, I couldn’t keep that up…and not for lack of trying to pretend that nothing foul ever passed out of my ass, but really, because we started working together…and when you work together and live together there is no privacy to be had…ever.

And so Eric eventually discovered that his sexy girlfriend pooped…

And though I was a bit upset and having been discovered, I daresay my ass was thanking me…

Since it was finally able to unclench….