No, I Am Not Dead

In two weeks I’ve showered five times.

The hair on my legs was so long I could braid it.

Small animals could have nested in Veronica…yes, she was that funky…last time Eric visited there he got lost…

I’ve made almost nothing but nuggets, spaghetti, and eggs for dinner.

Why?

Because my house had been turned into a den of yuck.

A place of germs, sickness, funk, boogers, and whiny as fuck people….

I was the only healthy one…everyone was sick…

Which meant I had to take care of everyone and everything…

I bet you thought I had dropped dead since I haven’t posted anything in forever, but no, I’ve been so fucking exhausted I could barely see straight….and all the shit I’ve been meaning to write about I have since forgotten…

Brooke had a sinus infection and such funky boogers that were everywhere I had to change her sheets twice a day…

Jack had such wretched bronchitis and a double ear infection he needed a double shot of antibiotics at the doctor and days at home…

Blake kept complaining his ears hurt…

Hope had a funky viral thing that needed no medication but required that I drink heavily to cope with her whining…

And Eric…

Eric…

Eric has been so sick he actually didn’t work for a week. In 13 years I’ve never seen him so sick. Bronchitis which totally fucked with his asthma.  We’re talking crazy antibiotics, steroids, breathing treatments, rescue inhalers, and other various shit I’ve been dosing him up with.  And the only reason he got all those drugs in because I made the doctor appointment, undressed him, put him in the shower, made him brush his teeth, lay out his clothes, lead him to the car, drive him to the doctor, sign him in, fill out his paperwork, and then march him back*….

God help me…

But now everyone is on the road to recovery, I’ve started showering regularly, and I’ve taken care of the body hair issue…

So stay tuned my friends…

Because this bitch? Is back…

*I may as well just start wiping his ass for him…

Please Find Jesus

That was the header of the email I received a few weeks ago.  At first I assumed it was spam even though it made it into my regular inbox,  and though I figured that as soon as I opened it my computer would blow up, I’m glad to say report that I’m in fact typing on the same computer! Crisis averted!

However, that’s where the good news ends.

Because apparently I’m a wretched, horrible person! Yes! Me! Can you believe it?

The email, from a Christian group that I will not name, felt it necessary to email me after finding my blog just to beg me to immediately go to church and find Jesus.

These people can already tell I’m not a believer because I talk about VAGINAS! GASP! I also tend to say fuck…

Fuck fuck fuck.

Fuck fuck fuck.

FUCK!

Oh, and I’ve called my kids out on being assholes a time or two…

Christian women don’t do any of those things…

According to these people.

But I ask why not? Why can’t a Christian woman have a sense of humor? Why can’t I be honest about my kid’s assholery? And why can’t I say fuck? For fuck’s sake!

Is it because I’m a church going gal who also teaches Sunday school and participates in two separate Bible studies? Is it because I’m also on the steering committee for our MOPS group for the third year in a row? Is it because I happen to love the Lord?

And you know what? He loves me too. He made me the way I am, and even better, only He, not the group that emailed me, knows what’s in my heart.

Guess what? I’m here and writing to make you all laugh. To share my life with you. To share my imperfections…

And I’m pretty sure that Jesus is down with that…

Yes, I Am Alive

Though I’m sure you were doubting it, since I haven’t written in…um…forever…

Fucking winter break….

Fucking kids home all. the. time.

I have no time to sit on the toilet and empty my bladder let alone write…

This is what my days have looked like…

5 am-Woken up by Blake dancing to Gangnam Style on Just Dnace 4*

5:05- Yell at Blake to turn the damn TV down

5:10-Yell at Blake to turn it down more

5:15- Threaten to throw the Wii in the goddamn trash if he doesn’t turn it down

6:08-Get woken up by Jack’s feet up my ass since he’s crawled into bed with me and sleeps upside down-shove him to Eric’s side

6:30-Get woken up by Hope demanding oatmeal

6:40-Get woken up by Hope still demanding oatmeal

6:45-Get out of bed because Hope is screaming that she’s so hungry her tummy is crying

6:55-Lay on couch and pray that Brooke will sleep for 30 more minutes so I can go back to sleep

7:05-Yell at three older kids for climbing into Brooke’s crib and waking her up

7:10-Distribute chocolate chip pancakes to boys and Brooke

7:15-I sneeze, and promptly pee all over myself since I have yet to sit on the toilet

7:16-Put on clean undies

7:20-Tell the boys to stop fighting over the Wii

7:22-Tell the boys to stop fighting over the Wii

7:24-Make the boys put on PBS so Brooke and Hope can watch Martha Speaks and maybe I can have one fucking cup of coffee in peace

7:30-Realize I’m out of creamer

7:34-Clean up the puddle of tears on my counter and settle for Corn Pops with milk

7:45-Take a shower

8:00-Clean up the shredded cheese fight that happened during said shower

8:15-Send everyone to their rooms until we leave for the museum

8:16-Try to get on computer

8:18-Give up since the kids keep coming out to ask if we’re leaving yet

8:20-Quickly dry my hair and throw clothes in dryer so they at least smell clean before we head off to the children’s museum

From 9 to about 12 or 1 I follow Hope and Brooke around while the boys are free to roam and desperately try not to lose them. I fail after the museum director gets my attention while I’m frantically searching for Brooke…she was halfway up the stairs by then…Mother of the Fucking Year right here folks…

As soon as we get home I then feed the kids a nutritious lunch of chicken nuggets and some sort of fruit before putting Brooke down for a nap.

2:00-I send the boys outside to play and put on the TV for Hope so Brooke can sleep in peace and I can get some writing done

2:05-Hope asks to go outside, I beg for 15 minutes

2:07-Hope asks to go outside, I plead for 10 minutes

2:10-Hope starts crying because it’s not fair that the boys are outside and all she wants to do is ride her bike

2:11-I go outside with Hope

Now that I’m outside all I do is break up fights over who gets what ball, who gets to pull the wagon and who gets to sit in it, and try to throw a football like I give a fuck…

3:30-Bribe Hope with popcorn and a Barbie movie to come inside

4:00-I vacuum up the popcorn fight that happened between the three big kids while I was texting and then getting Brooke up

4:15-I make my mad scramble to clean up the house so Eric doesn’t get all pissy when he comes home

4:30-I go pee

4:32-The house is a fucking wreck

4:35-Eric comes home and wonders out loud why the house looks like a bomb hit

From here on out it’s make dinner time, clean up dinner time, get four kids clean time, and clean up the damn house again time…

7:30-Start bed time

8:30-Last kid finally passes out after the last potty break, cup of water, hug, kiss, and tuck in

8:35-Eric looks over and gives me the look

8:37-I go into the bedroom and change my underwear again since I peed myself from laughing so hard

8:38-I get my computer and sit to write, but I’m so tired my eyes blur together…I give up and watch HGTV

9:00-I take my Kindle to bed…

And then I wake up and start all over again…

To say I can’t wait for the kids to go back t school next week is an understatement if I ever typed one…

How’s your winter break?

*to which I currently hold the high record in my house…ahem

Oh Ryan Gosling….You Always Know What To Say

Ryan is just so naughty, isn’t he?  I never would have guessed it…

And I love how I can always count on Ryan to defend our children…

Oh Ryan…you really know how to make my night…what a sweetheart…

Seriously, Ryan makes me so happy…sigh…

And of course this is linked up to the always fabulous Sunday from Adventures in Extreme Parenthood…who is a Ryan Gosling genius…

Are you playing along?