No Guns No Ketchup

One of the only reasons I think I keep my kids around is because they amuse the fuck out of me….

Most of the time they’re whining and demanding things like food and drink and thus causing me to hide out in the bathroom with my Kindle Fire begging to be left alone due to bowel issues, but sometimes they really make me laugh…

Like when we took the whole brood to the fair and Blake saw this sign….


It was nothing special, just letting you know what is and what isn’t allowed inside….

But this is what Blake read off to me….

He was baffled….and Eric and I just about fell over laughing at him….

No ketchup….which made Eric and I do a series of improvisations where one was smuggling ketchup in and other was an officer making him drop the ketchup and no one gets hurt….

What have your kids done to amuse you lately?

Where Are My Boobies?

Not mine…

Let me assure you that my own boobies are firmly resting right by my belly button…

Unless your reading this while I’m sleeping, in which case they’re on my sides, since I tend to sleep on my back…

So if I’m not talking about my boobs, then whose boobs do I speak of?

Hope…

Yes, Hope’s non existent boobs…

This is what I walked into with my three oldest kids last week….


Yes, that’s Hope sitting topless on my bed asking her brothers where her boobies are?

I couldn’t even interrupt yet, I had to listen in….

Jack determined that when Hope got married, that’s when she would get “big ones like Mommy, so you can feed your babies”

Blake interjected and decided that Hope would get boobies when she’s a teenager because he’s seen teen girls and they have boobies…

Okay! Time to stop this conversation!

Hope, put your shirt on, you’ll get boobs when you’re about 12…

Boobs. Hope. Hope. Boobs.

Already I have to deal with this…

Please tell me I was right though…

Twelve? Right? She’ll be twelve?

Or 22?

I’m hoping for 22….

 

La Penis Loca

I’ve already covered why vaginas are far superior to the penis.

The odd, hangy, junk out for everyone to see penis…

And yet I have a new reason…

A reason, that if I only had little girls, would never ever ever ever ever have happened…

Why? Because vaginas are nice and tucked away, like my favorite Kate Spade pursed that are only trotted out for special occasions…

Unlike the penis, which is just hanging out…

Which is why, when I walked in on Blake taking a bath to have him wash up, I was treated to a view of an eight year old hard on that left both of us slightly embarrassed when he stood up…

But being the awesome mom that I am, I told him just don’t worry about it, it happens, here’s the soap, I’ll see you in a few minutes

And now since Blake was totally not embarrassed any more by the wood, he calls out to me to come back…

Hey mom! Look at this!


What I was treated to was a rousing rendition of Livin’ La Vida Loca¬†played with a penis guitar…the balls being the strings and his other hand…well, you get the idea…

Have your boys played the penis guitar?

 

 

My Kids Are Bastards

For the past couple of weeks I’ve been reading blog posts and Facebook status updates about how people are so excited because their kids are super thrilled to take an angel off of the tree and buy a present for another kid…

If not the Angel Tree then the Operation Christmas Child thing…

Apparently giving to children less fortunate make these little hearts sing with joy…

Children are passing out in joy at the idea of making another kid’s holiday fabulous…

Every kid but my own that is…

Every year I donate to our local battered women’s shelter and do the Angel Tree also…but this year I decided to involve my kids…

Wow…bad idea…

Mom, I don’t get it. Says Blake.¬†Why are we buying stuff for other families?

Because there are people that aren’t as lucky as us. Some families don’t have enough money for presents or even enough food. That’s why we always donate during the holidays. Doesn’t it make you happy to help other kids?!

Why don’t they have any money? Asks Hope…

Well sweetie, some people aren’t able to find a job or the job they have doesn’t pay them a super lot of money, so for extra things like gifts other people help out…

Hmph! Says Blake, Their dads should just work harder, like Daddy-

But Blake-

Sometimes Daddy works so hard we don’t even see him that day, and now we have to share our money because our dad works hard? Says my little Republican….

Okay…time for a new tactic….

Well, I say, we also help out kids who don’t have both of their parents, like maybe they’re divorced or someones mom or dad died so they don’t have a lot of money because the mom can only work while the kids are in school.

Oh, says Blake, Well that’s different then. We can help those families. It’s really sad not to have a mom and dad.

Just to be on the safe side though, I’ll drop off the gifts without the kids in tow, I don’t need Blake giving a lecture about working harder to those in need…

Are your kids bastards* or are they excited to help others?

*Read: Republican