La Penis Loca

I’ve already covered why vaginas are far superior to the penis.

The odd, hangy, junk out for everyone to see penis…

And yet I have a new reason…

A reason, that if I only had little girls, would never ever ever ever ever have happened…

Why? Because vaginas are nice and tucked away, like my favorite Kate Spade pursed that are only trotted out for special occasions…

Unlike the penis, which is just hanging out…

Which is why, when I walked in on Blake taking a bath to have him wash up, I was treated to a view of an eight year old hard on that left both of us slightly embarrassed when he stood up…

But being the awesome mom that I am, I told him just don’t worry about it, it happens, here’s the soap, I’ll see you in a few minutes

And now since Blake was totally not embarrassed any more by the wood, he calls out to me to come back…

Hey mom! Look at this!


What I was treated to was a rousing rendition of Livin’ La Vida Loca played with a penis guitar…the balls being the strings and his other hand…well, you get the idea…

Have your boys played the penis guitar?

 

 

Thankful For Underwear

I’m totally lame in that before we eat our Thanksgiving dinner I make everyone in the family go around and share what they’re thankful for…

We got all the stock responses of family, Jesus, plenty of food…and then it was Jack’s turn…

What’s Jack thankful for? Underwear….

And everyone got a good chuckle…but then I thought about it…

Underwear…yes, I too am thankful for underwear…and you should be too…and here’s why…

1. From what I hear, balls are pretty cumbersome to carry around, wearing underwear? somewhat helps yield them in…

2. My kids fart. A lot. On purpose. I need a barrier between their stinky asses and my furniture.

3. Ladies, you know we need to wear undies…because don’t even try to pretend you don’t get that funky discharge from your cha cha…and do you really want that shit just hanging out on your jeans?

4. And really? I don’t know about you but Veronica is pretty sensitive, and she would be not too thrilled to just be rubbing all up against the rough middle part of my jeans all day…

5. Spanx. These totally count as underwear, and without those babies my fat rolls would not be camoflouged as awesomely as they usually are…

6. If having kids has caused your boobs to hang to your knees give me AMEN! So I know all you bitches are thankful for underwire bras…without which I’d have to hold my boobs every time I ran across the house who the hell is screaming now…

Yes, underwear….I’ll expect you all to remember this for next Thanksgiving when people ask what you’re thankful for…

So what was your answer this year?

*yeah, I’m totally linked up with Mama Kat

Vaginas Rule and Balls Drool

I’m thankful for a great many things….

My children, my husband, Key Lime Pie martinis, s’mores, my grandma’s apricot Christmas cookies, Zumba….

The list really goes on and on…

But one of the things I’m most thankful for? Is my vagina…

Yup, you read that right….

I’m thankful for my vagina…and it has nothing to do with the fantastic sex it allows me.

It’s because if I have a vagina then that means I don’t have balls.

Because balls? Are weird.

Yup, balls creep me out…

The way they just hang there…hanging out…swinging back and forth like a damn pendulum…

I don’t have to move my vagina out of the way just to sit down….

My vagina doesn’t get stuck to the side of leg when I’m super hot and sweaty…

When I’m cold my vagina doesn’t get all scrunchy and scared….

And when I’m hot she doesn’t hang down to my knees….

My vagina is delightful, she’s soft and silky and most of the time she smells good too.

My vagina doesn’t get a funky heat rash if I’m out in the sun too long…in fact, my vagina is like a wonderful self cleaning oven-she keeps her PH balance just right all the time for maximum happy vagina-ness!

Balls are just out there in open, waiting to get hit or kneed or something slammed into them, but my vagina? Is nicely tucked away like a  little present waiting to be opened…

Oh yes, vaginas are obviously superior to balls….

Obviously….