Effective Birth Control For Your Four Year Old

Hope got married a few weeks ago at preschool.

I know, I was surprised too, but both her and JJ planned it out, she wanted to wear one of her pretty dresses to school the day of the ceremony and JJ showed up all dressed up too and also raided his very own piggy bank to bring her flowers…


Seriously? How adorable are they?

I can almost forgive her for not giving me enough time to buy a fabulous, thunder stealing, mother of the bride dress…

So I can only assume that the wedding was the reason Hope’s mind turned to having babies the following day…

As we were in carline to pick up the boys, Hope asks me Mom? How do the babies get out of someone’s tummy?

I’ve had experience with this line of questioning before with Blake and Jack, and thanks to my C sections, the mention of vaginas has never had to come up with the talk of babies…score! The boys very easily took the explanation that the doctors cut my belly open and took out the babies, no more questions and they went on their way…how easy it that? I expected the same reaction from Hope.

Oh, how wrong I was…

Hope immediately burst into hysterical sobbing.  Hysterical.  I could not console her.

Hope! Hope, honey, what is it? Why are you crying? 

I. I. It’s. I. It’s just that I want babies so bad but I do not want to ever ever have my belly cut open! There will be blood and it will hurt!

Followed by more hysterical crying.  I felt like the worst mother ever. Maybe I should have just showed her Dumbo and gone with the stork theory…

Hope, I promise the doctor gives you lots of medicine and it doesn’t really hurt too bad and it’s so worth it! Mommy loves all of you and I would do it all over again just to have you! I promise!

Mommy, I don’t want my belly cut! I don’t! Isn’t there any other way for the babies to come out!

Hmmm, now that you mention it, there is. But how do I tell a four year old that instead of getting your belly cut open your vagina is the way?  I just can’t win…but I had to give it a shot…anything to stop the tears…

Well Hope, now that you mention it, there is another way…

I immediately have her attention…What?

Um, you can push the baby out…

What do you mean? Push how?

Um, out of your privates…

Hope stops talking. Then her lips start to quiver and more tears fall down…

But mommy! Babies are very big and my privates are very small!

Yes, that’s true honey, but privates get bigger when the baby is ready and then they get smaller again…

And yes, I do want to just smash my head into the steering wheel…what am I doing? I’m obviously not equipped to explain anything to this child, I fear I’ve just set her up for years of therapy….

Hope said nothing for 45 minutes…she just sat in the car sadly….and refused look at me…

So I think it’s fair to say I scarred Hope for life…

Time to start saving for therapy…but hey! At least I won’t have to shell out for day care while she’s still in high school!

*and yes, I am linked up with Mama Kat today writing a post inspired by the word red…

 

 

Comments

  1. Becca says:

    Okay, I’m pretty sure you have just scarred your child for life. You *could* have opted for the easy answer and just showed her this (sorry for the long link – it’s worth the space it takes up, I promise!): http://sosuperawesome.net/post/37354359230/how-to-make-a-baby-by-photographer-patrice-laroche?fb_action_ids=4711777467050&fb_action_types=og.likes&fb_source=timeline_og&action_object_map=%7B%224711777467050%22%3A295718087206739%7D&action_type_map=%7B%224711777467050%22%3A%22og.likes%22%7D&action_ref_map
    Becca recently posted..F&F4KidsMy Profile

  2. Jester Queen says:

    Ahahaha! Poor Hope. She’s going to be OK. But hopefully she’ll hang onto the horror until she reaches that post puberty stage when “holy shit raising a baby is a time and energy suck” can have meaning.
    Jester Queen recently posted..Sharp. Hope is sharp.My Profile

  3. Tasha W says:

    LMAO! This is too cute! Poor girl. I was thinking about what I was gonna tell my child one day when they ask where babies come from? Your words of wisdom just might be the best form of birth control Thanks for the tips! Hahaha
    Tasha W recently posted..Canadian Facebook Freebie Of The Week ~ L’Occitane Hand CreamMy Profile

  4. Alison says:

    I am SO glad I don’t have daughters to have this conversation with. :)
    Alison recently posted..7 Deadly Sins Of BloggingMy Profile

  5. Chris Carter says:

    I told my daughter the real deal….she is nine. She almost responded the same way- but more aghast at the entire scene that she visualized in her sweet little innocent head…now completely tormented with it. She has decided adoption is the best way to get a baby… ;)
    Chris Carter recently posted..February Friend #1My Profile

  6. Cate8 says:

    Now if only the teen girls and boys would think of this
    while in the back seat
    or on the couch in the basement…
    Cate8 recently posted..Be BraveMy Profile

  7. I had a c-section and my daughter knew that’s how she was born. I guess I didn’t make it clear enough to her that not ALL babies are born that way because when she got a little older she came to me all mad and stuff and asked me why I didn’t tell her not ALL babies are born by cutting them out of the mother’s belly. lol Yeah, I messed up real good.

    The funny or not so funny thing is that I became a grandma on the 31st of last month and guess how he was delivered? C-section…
    Mary Kirkland recently posted..Homemade Beef Stew RecipeMy Profile

  8. Linda says:

    Well, at least you told her before she started dating! Ha!
    Linda recently posted..MamaKat’s Writers Workshop: The Top 5 Random Bits of Trivia about The Princess Bloggers’ Family…My Profile

  9. Tara Gauthier says:

    I just found out from another mom at my daughter’s preschool that she has been going to school and talking about a baby being cut out of her mom’s belly. She saw my c-section scar in the shower so I told her what it was. She is four also. Better that she said that at school, then what she was saying at home, as that version included her having a baby in her belly.

  10. Poor Hope, I’m sure she will be alright, eventually.
    Stephanie @ Babe’s Rockin’ Mami recently posted..39. Weeks.My Profile

  11. Sarah K. says:

    Holy cow. I do not envy you at all. If she stays traumatized, suggest she adopt.

    Hope was an adorable bride though!
    Sarah K. recently posted..A quick potty training storyMy Profile

  12. Kristin says:

    And this is why I adopted my 2nd child!!! Hope is sooo right on. Childbirth hurts. It’s much better to let someone else do it for you. Have the surrogate mother/adoption chat next time ;)
    Kristin recently posted..I’m on EtsyMy Profile

  13. Oh Lord! That’s all I can come up with… Oh Lord!
    Single Mom in the South recently posted..Friday Fragments: That’s My Boy and Other Important ThoughtsMy Profile

  14. tania says:

    I haven’t visited in awhile been slacking on my blog reading! But hahahahaha now I remember why I love you and your blog so much. You’re fucking hilarious… now I will be up all night catching up.
    tania recently posted..I’m a work in progressMy Profile

  15. Anita says:

    That was a very difficult situation you got out there! It wasn’t that easy to explain things at kids especially those at young age. It’s just complicated for their thinking. You’ve got to be very careful in choosing words to make sure that they’ll get the idea perfectly. Maybe, this experience was sign for you to be prepare for the next few questions about babies. I wish you luck, I’m lucky enough that I don’t get the same questions YET from my children.
    Anita recently posted..Woman Seeks Millions from BayerMy Profile

Trackbacks

  1. [...] have a boy who loves a Baby Story and has learned the harsh reality of how babies are born but poor Holly’s daughter, she has been scarred for life with explanations of cesareans and vaginal births!  She will get [...]

  2. [...] things. Never a dull moment at Holly’s House! Need a good laugh? Check out her latest post Effective Birth Control For Your Four Year Old. var hupso_services_t=new Array("Twitter","Facebook","Google [...]

Speak Your Mind

*

CommentLuv badge