The Ass Clap

I’ll be the first to tell you that I’m a pretty fabulous person.

I’m funny.  I’m super cute.  I have nice teeth. I draw awesome pictures of  vajazzled vaginas.

And I’m modest*.

All that being said, I was shocked to hear applause following me wherever I went…

Because no matter how adorable I am I don’t have a crew of people following me around clapping…although that’s a hell of an idea…

Shaking my junk during Zumba…applause…

Beating Blake’s ass doing Gangnam Style on Just Dance…applause…

Rocking Eric’s world when the kids are sleeping…massive applause….

Who is it? What the hell is going on?

And then, after puzzling over it for weeks I finally figured it out…

It’s my ass…

My big fat ass…

I have an ass clap.  My ass is applauding me during physical activity and overexertion.

And when I first realized my ass is so fat it was like my own personal applause track I didn’t know how to feel about it….should I be upset or excited? After all, it’s like I’m my very own reality show! But without the big check or 19 kids…

But then again, I have my very own ass clap. So maybe that means my ass is too big?

But really? The constant affirmation is pretty sweet….

No matter what I do I get applause…

I’m keeping the fat ass…

I like someone telling me I’m fabulous…

Even if it’s just me…

*such a fucking lie. I’m so not modest. But really? If you were as fantastically awesome as I am, you wouldn’t be either….


  1. Hey I say good for you. Do you know how many women and some men have no ass at all? Flat as a board and they want a bigger butt. So be proud and clap clap clap.
    Mary Kirkland recently posted..My Christmas TreeMy Profile

  2. Alison says:

    You ARE fabulous, ass clap and all.
    Alison recently posted..Beauty Is A Light In The Heart…. And Other ThingsMy Profile

  3. You’ve done it again…first thing in the morning… now I’m going to be listening for what’s going on… behind me… another thing to think about!

  4. Ashley says:

    I have this same condition.
    But let’s just clarify that “ass clap” is not the same as “the clap.” If it is, then I take back what I said. I DO NOT have that.
    At least, I hope I don’t.

  5. Tiffany says:

    Hilarious as usual. Who wouldn’t want their very own clapping section?
    Tiffany recently posted..Where did the time go?My Profile

  6. Tasha W says:
  7. Kim says:

    JEALOUS!!! I WISH my ass clapped!!!
    Kim recently posted..A Girl Can Only Take So Much…My Profile

  8. Chris Carter says:

    Oh how fun is that?? Applause every time I exercise?? I’ll take it! I have the thigh clap though- not as fun because there is chafing involved. So the pain with the clapping doesn’t always spell “Hooray!!”. Clap your heart out girl!! Or your ass off…either way. ;)
    Chris Carter recently posted..You Are Equipped…My Profile

  9. shannon says:

    it took me a second to figure out what that brown thing was doing in your hands and why you had three arms, until I realized it was a boob. I need to go to bed

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