*this is one of my favorite guest posts I wrote, and I decided to share it with you guys, because everyone needs reminding of why I rock…duh…I’ve just had to tweak it a bit…you know….like nipples….
I assume that because you all are here it’s because you positively adore me….but just in case you ever find yourself wondering why the hell do I read that crazy bitch’s blog? I decided to give you a few reasons….
1. I’ve mastered the art of ignoring my children. Are you looking to have your children play alone or with their little friends while putting yourself into a caffeine induced coma with your fellow moms? Well then! You’ve found the right girl! Sure, there may be crayon on the carpet and walls, smushed up goldfish in the couch, and underwear getting flushed down the toilet…but if you’re relaxed from sitting on your butt, clean up will be a breeze!
2. One of my favorite words is vagina. Vagina Vagina Vagina!! And seriously? Who doesn’t love someone who drops the word vagina? Or has funny vagina stories? Like how mine was sad recently because she wasn’t getting enough attention?
3. I’m pretty.
4. I’m modest.
5. I’m a liar*.
6. I’m overly fond of the word fuck…and some of my posts are filled with the expletives I keep cooped up inside all day so as not to piss away my husbands hard earned money on therapy for the kids. Everyone loves a friend with a filthy mouth, so be mine! And if you don’t like people who drop the F bomb, come over and read me anyway, you’ll leave having a sense of superiority you don’t deserve! So everyone wins! Yay!
7. I have a big ass and if you want I’ll let you spank it…because real friends? Don’t mind getting grabby…
8. I’m super lazy, so if you’re my friend you’ll always feel better about the state of your home, how clean your car is, and how put together your children are…because this mama? Is one hot mess most of the time**, so read my page, and you’ll always leave knowing that at least one person is worse off as you….
There you have it…why I rock and why you should be my friend…it’s a compelling list…why you’re not tweeting me random nonsense already I don’t know…so hop to it!
*which may not seem like a good trait, but when you ask me if your ass looks fat or if your children are Satan’s spawn I’ll always give you the answer you want to hear! Yay me!
**hey, these blog posts aren’t going to write themselves…