Today in church I was reminded of what a horrible selfish bitch I actually am.
Not that I like to pretend that I’m perfect*, but I usually leave service feeling pretty awesome….
It started off nicely, about how we need to respect our elders, take care of those who need help in their old age, blah blah blah…the whole time I’m thinking yeah, I’ve got this shit in the bag…score one for Holly! Heaven-get ready for when this bitch comes….
Then the sermon takes a turn…and the pastor starts talking about single moms…how single moms really appreciate any sort of help given and then listed out some ways one could help…such as a cash gift or gift card to the grocery store, or going over and mowing the lawn, or inviting the family over for a meal…
And my stomach started going into uncomfortable knots…
Because apparently I’m a heartless bitch…and that shocked me…I didn’t understand why I was having such a strong internal reaction…
I always donate gift cards during the holiday season to single mothers through our church and help plan the gift drive for our local women’s shelter…I am anything but bitchy about this sort of thing…what was going on?
I was sitting listening to the pastor explain how we need to help those mothers and a rage was filling me…I didn’t see how it was fair that help was given to those people that put themselves in that situation….
Wow…am I a horrible person or what?
And the more I thought about it, the more I was surprised with myself….after all, my sister has been a single mom more often than not, having her first child in high school…and there are others in my family that have needed help and received it…
So I came home and I realized why I was so pissed…
Everything Eric and I have is because my husband has worked his ass off to get it…and don’t get me wrong, neither him nor I want to have to depend on anyone…but still…
I’m pissed. But even though I’m pissed, it’s nice to know it’s not a general rage at helping those in need….
Because it’s not that I don’t want people to get the help they need, because one never knows when help will be needed for themselves, but sometimes I’m frustrated that there is no recognition for what my little family has accomplished…
Sure, Eric is told how great it is that the business is doing well, and I’m told how fabulous it is that I married such a great man…
But that’s it. There are none of the extras that other members of our families receive…no extra trips because the kids don’t go anywhere, no help buying a house because you’re outgrowing the one you currently live in…
I know…how awful am I? How selfish? I know I sound like a massive bitch…I should be counting my blessings….
And of course I do….I know how lucky we are that I’m able to stay home and Eric can provide for us…
But still…
It’s my blog and I can be a selfish bitch if I want to…
*awesome? hell yeah! perfect? not so much…sigh
I think it’s perfectly okay to feel this way. You’re not selfish, just human.
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..Of Courage and Things I’m Afraid To Tell You
you’re my new favorite person…thank you
You sound perfectly normal to me – except for that attending church part.. xoxo
tracy@sellabitmum recently posted..The Real Cost Of Raising A Child
I’m sure postcards can make it from Heaven to Hell, I’ll send you one….ha!
I don’t think you sound selfish. I have had similar thoughts myself. I know that there are several people who did not choose to be single mothers and they are doing the best that they can. It’s the people who take advantage of the situation and of others, those who expect things to be handed to them rather than going out and trying to earn the things themselves that I’m referring to. Those are the people who piss me off and ruin it for others.
I agree families who stick together through thick and thin do not get the recognition or the support they deserve. It really upsets me that society appears to be so ‘throw away’. The attitude seems to be: I’m mad so I quit and don’t love you and don’t want to be married. Then when they realize how much they really needed each other they are crying for handouts from others. I don’t think all single parents have this attitude, but those who do really mess it up for everyone!
Yay for you and your family for sticking it out! Yay for Erik for stepping up to the plate and taking care of his family. Yay for you for stepping up to the plate and keeping things together at home and picking up everyone’s pieces! I’d give you a gift card, if I could
Erin recently posted..Father’s Day FAIL
Yes, the people that take advantage….so frustrating…augh! And they do give others a bad name….and just that you said you’d give me a gift card makes me smile…
I’ve caught myself thinking such things before about various groups of people. I try to help those in need when I can but there’s little offered to those who are just making it…and we often give a lot. Sometimes I think a more general “help others by doing something nice” is a reminder we all need no matter how much “need” is there if that makes sense?
Darcy recently posted..How to Get a Free Mt. Olympus Pass With Gas Purchase PLUS 4 Ticket Giveaway #FillUpSplashDown #WisconsinDells
you make perfect sense! I totally agree…sure, we may be just making it and not really “needing” anything, but still…
You don’t sound selfish (or bitch-y, for that matter). You are a pretty normal human being, awesome, of course, but still pretty normal
Raphaelle recently posted..A Look in 3D
normal and awesome? wow…you just made my night!
my pleasure
Raphaelle recently posted..A Look in 3D
You have every right to feel the way you do, you’re human like the rest of us and are entitled to your feelings, emotions and thoughts.
it kinda irritates me when people say things like that anyway. Some mother’s and fathers are single parents because they chose to be. I’m sorry but there shouldn’t be as many ‘accidental’ pregnancies as there are these days. There’s birth control in so many forms, condoms and if you are too young and dumb to remember to take your birth control pill or remember to bring a condom with you for your booty call, then you should refrain from having sex, because you are much too immature to be having unprotected sex and making a baby that someone else is probably going to have to help you raise.
There are too many single teenagers having babies too. When my daughter turned 14 I was ready to go and get the implantable birth control in her arm until she assured me she wasn’t having sex and if she did (She didn’t until she was past 18) she would come and ask me to get her birth control.
I have nieces and nephews and even other family members that are single parents or had children when they were too young, were living at home with their parents or too complete advantage of welfare, mommy and daddy, other family members, friends and their own church after having their babies but they never took responsibility for their lives and their kids themselves, it was alway someone else’s problem they didn’t have what they needed. Sorry to rant, it just makes me so mad when hubby and I have worked so hard to be independent and take care of our child on our own with very little help from anyone.
Mary Kirkland recently posted..Taking Pictures Of Yourself
babe, you can rant here whenever you need too…have to get it out somewhere! And I totally agree with you…
Here’s the conversation my husband & I had on the way to our 12 year old tiny sedan after church this Sunday while watching a teenager with 2 illegitimate children get into her new 4 door Jeep bought by her grandparents. Hubby: “It must be nice to have people buy nice cars for you. Where does she work?” Me: “McDonalds.”
I was ticked for the rest of the day for the same reasons you explained. Grrrr…
April Vernon recently posted..Big Time Photo Clear-Out
it is frustrating, isn’t it? And then I feel like a complete bitch afterwards…like we can’t win? ah! and wow, some nice grandparents…
Where the fuck was your church when I was a single mom? Geesh. I never got shit from anyone (I did not even get public assistance), but instead I worked my ass off to raise my two children, and honestly, I still get pissed that someone would EXPECT a hand out.
But since your church feels differently, please let your church know that I need four Christmases worth of gift cards to make up for it, like stat.
Ange recently posted..My Favorite Child
if only you lived around here…we also do shitloads for military families!
Not everyone chooses to be a single parent but it is the people that expect the handouts that piss me off too. Just like the other commentors said, those are the ones that ruin it for everyone else. Being a single parent was forced upon my mother and she worked as hard as she could to finish raising her two kids. With no help. Most of the people in our church started to treat her like crap because she was single. Needless to stay, we didnt really continue going to that particular church. Its nice yours does things for those in need, I guess we just all need to remember that there are people who really are struggling and really do need help.
Honesty is one of the best qualities. And your family absolutely deserves recognition and yes help. Shit – being a small business owner in a down economy is not a damned picnic. Church sermons aren’t really designed to cover the full range, though. I think it’s way cool that your pastor did take a moment to honor single parents, but I do understand where your “now wait a minute” moment came from. (And also that you immediately realized that circumstances like single parenthood weren’t necessarily chosen).
Jester Queen recently posted..To be a Daddy
It makes me crazy too – my hubby works 7 days a week to live in a pretty crappy house (but in a great neighborhood), while my brothers live in bigger way nicer houses because they know how to work the system, scam the government and their friends and church so they can be lazy, spend their money on frivolous things instead of paying their bills (they’ve taken out bankruptcy more than once). Kills me. They whine that they can’t contribute to pot luck family dinners, yet take several vacations every year. Grrr. Not quite the single mom thing you were pissed off about, but right there with ya on some of those ‘needing’ help…
Kristin recently posted..Happy Father’s Day
wow…if that was my family I don’t know if I could hide my frustration with that…wow…
You’re not a selfish bitch for thinking this way! Not at all! As someone who was a single mom for 11 years and a stay at home mom for 10 years, I can tell you that I feel the same way.
I never asked for help, never begged for assistance, and I worked my butt off. Now I still never ask for help, never beg for assistance, and I still work my butt off. So does my husband! It really kills me when people try and make us feel guilty because I can stay at home – but they don’t realize that we live on less money, pinch pennies and MAKE DO! I won’t feel guilty because of it. And I refuse to ‘help’ anyone who does nothing more than sit on their butt all day and cry the blues!
Angel G recently posted..A New Chapter (Our New Adventure)
a lot of people in my own family assume we have way more money than we do because I stay home…um no, we budget…it’s just important to us…
Oh, Holly, I have missed you while I was MIA. Your site looks amazing!!!! We should go to church together and be the 2 B’s in pew 3.
I was just complaining about having to help a family member who is in financial trouble because they are hurt. It gripes my ass that me and hubby both work our butts off and only one of them works, which is fine if you don’t need financial help and now we got to help them. Really chaps me
myevil3yearold recently posted..We are Okay and I am So Sorry
where have you been?! I shit you not, I went to your site about a month ago wondering if you were still around because I haven’t gotten a post in my reader in forever!
I honestly get mad at the women who are not married, who don’t work and mooch off society. I have always HAD to work so nothing has come easy to me or my hubby.
I’ve known SAHM who are single and wonder how they manage….
Sometimes we all need to be a little selfish. I have siblings who get a TON of help financially from my Grandmother and every time she calls we have to spend 20-30 minute talking about them and their problems. How hard would it be to ask me how I’m doing? Just because I’m married and our relationship is good and our bills are paid (barely some months) I get selfish feelings about how I get overlooked. But, I try to remember they probably have to hear about me for 20 minutes and feel jealous at me sometimes. And now, I sound like a selfish bitch.
stephanie @ babe’s rockin’ mami recently posted..When the Husbands Away…
you are so right! I know my oldest sister has cried to our grandparents about how lucky I am for having Eric and being able to stay home…but then I get crazy because it didn’t just happen..I made good choices
Here is what really torques me. The single moms and dads that have kids that go to the opposite parent’s house for the weekend. I don’t care how they got in the situation they are in, that’s not the point. But why do they have to look at me like I’m some kind of lame ass for not going out to the movies, bars, wineries, concerts…whatever every time they do?! I have my kids ALL THE TIME! My kids even look at us like, damn mom and dad, why can’t you take us to a super cool water park or to do some extravagant bullshit twice a month?! I just apologize to them for not divorcing their dad.
You aren’t a selfish bitch. You are normal and not afraid to say it out loud. 
Word! My oldest kids were complaining that they only got one set of presents and their friends were so lucky to get double for Christmas and birthdays…brats!
I have these same thoughts. All the time.
Tiffany recently posted..Why Can’t I Relax?
which is why I love you…you’re my people
Holly,
i’m still listening.
What do you mean? “I didn’t see how it was fair that help was given to those people that put themselves in that situation…” Single moms don’t always purposely put themselves in that situation, right? they marry just like you and me to their prince charming, pop out a couple kids and then crappy husband splits.. they are left with kids to care for, maybe no extended family to help, and still have to pay the bills.. you know? that doesn’t take anything away from your life, that you work hard for, that your hubby works hard for, right? but feelings are weird, they come all the time, and of course you can feel like you want to feel
you are correct…I really think my problem is my sister issues…sigh
you have such refreshing honesty, Holly, the truth is logic or a higher power doesn’t always guide how we feel and when we feel it. i really appreciate a post of yours like this, really sharing so many levels of you and of every person. xoxo.
I don’t think you are selfish. I remember back when I wasn’t a single mom feeling that way. Of course, now that I AM a single mom I realize that I actually had it pretty good in many ways. I like what you say about your husband working his butt off! That determination and drive to make a good life for my son is what’s getting me through these tough days. I have so much respect for families who stick together and etch out a life for themselves despite adversity. You guys are awesome.
Oh Nina…I’ve been hearing through the grapevine what’s going on…I haven’t wanted to bother you since I can only imagine how stressed you are…hugs my friend…please don’t hesitate to call if you need to unload…
I totally get what you are feeling..My husbands family is definitely like this. Because we do better than his siblings {and by better I don’t mean rich, we are a one income family who lives in a two bedroom townhouse with four people} we just know how to live within our means and actually budget for things. But his sister who can’t figure out how to do this for the life of her, is finally married and settled down, has two kids from previous relationships gets help from everyone everytime something goes wrong. Not that we need the financial help {but a nice influx of cash would not be turned away} some acknoledgement that the only reason we don’t come running for help is because we work hard to provide for ourselves would be nice. We went to go visit with them last summer and it was the first extended visit she had with her grandaughter {who has special needs} and it was nice just to hear her say and realize how much work and how challenging it can be for us at times with a child with these needs.