An Extra Bulge

I was never a fan of the Wonder Bra…not just because even though I wasn’t always a DDD I still had an ample bosom, but also because after trying one on, I didn’t particularly care for having the girls right underneath my chin…

Also, I’m not into false advertisements…I never felt like explaining to my date* why my boobs were currently on the floor and not my chest…

Nope, false advertisements are not for this girl…

So imagine my feelings toward this new product…

Men’s Boxers from Icebreaker…in which The front pouch on these boxer-briefs is designed to enhance his bulge, kinda like a push-up bra for his goodies. 

All for the low price of $50 a pair.

What. The. Fuck.

I can’t even wrap my head around what fucking loser would spend 50 bucks on a pair on boxers to make his junk look bigger? And really, can we all agree that male genitalia, though quite nice to play with in the bedroom, is some of the most unattractive shit we’ve ever seen***?

And let’s just say that you lure me into your bed with the promise of what lies in those ridiculously expensive underwear and then I see a little pee-wee dick? Um, hello? Not a happy bitch…in fact…I may laugh in your face…loser…

But luckily, some guys may think that’s too much to lie about…and so resort to these undies…

Because there are times I check out a hot guy and think…yeah, he’s good-looking….too bad he doesn’t have an ass like J.Lo!

But now he can! Thanks to the Clever Butt Lifter which has two bands sewn into the fabric of these trunks give his cheeks some seriously sexy lift.  And for a mere $37 a pair…

I’m going to let you all in on a little secret…

Eric has a flat butt. I actually tease him about it all the time…

But if I ever suggested to him that he buy a pair of these he’d look at me like I’m crazier than usual…

And if I found out he was wearing tushy enhancing boxer briefs when we were dating I can pretty be guarantee that I would not have married him and would have instead laughed about him to all of my friends…

Because that’s how I roll…I ridicule the stupid people…

Are you all with me? Are we all going to stand together and laugh at these losers with the fake bulge and enhanced ass?

Or maybe invent an undershirt with pec pads and make a few bucks off these douchebags?

Who’s in?

*but before you think I’m a big ho, let me assure you that first base never happened before the 5th date**

**or fifth drink…whatever…

***and really guys, do some fucking manscaping….

Comments

  1. Chantel says:

    HAHAHAHAHA! I think that says it all. Oh. My. Word!
    Chantel recently posted..WoodsMy Profile

  2. Dr. Hansen says:

    5th date or 5th drink, it’s virtually the same thing.
    Dr. Hansen recently posted..On purpose…My Profile

  3. Mark says:

    This is just sad. And I don’t need to see a “bulge”. I like a little mystery!
    m.
    Mark recently posted..Pillow TalkMy Profile

  4. Shell says:

    Hilarious! What man would actually think this was a good idea? You get those things off and see that the promise was not lived up to… and what a disappointment!

    So true about men’s junk just being ugly. it’s fun ;) but ugly.
    Shell recently posted..Teacher Appreciation Gift IdeaMy Profile

  5. Tiffany says:

    I agree with you on all of this Holly. Matt knows that my boobs do not really look like this so I push those suckers up. ;)
    Tiffany recently posted..LostMy Profile

  6. We could seriously raid some Salvation Army and GoodWill shops for 80s shoulderpads for our pecs tshirts?
    Jenn [ Crippled Girl ] recently posted..Zebra HatMy Profile

  7. Kathren M says:

    Oh my, I can’t believe some idiot actually invented these things…much less that some idiot would actually buy these things as anything more that a really expensive gag gift. LMAO.

  8. Mary Beth Elderton says:

    hahahahaha! I can’t stop laughing!

  9. Jester Queen says:

    I’m pretty sure that my husband would die laughing before he wore either of those products.
    Jester Queen recently posted..Uprinting Giveaway (Abridged Moby Dick)My Profile

  10. Hahahahaha!!! I totally agree with you. Selling to the stupid is really rather profitable though, isn’t it?
    Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..A VoiceMy Profile

  11. Erin says:

    OMG! You never cease to make me laugh!!! LOVE IT :)
    Erin recently posted..DIY Fabric SoftenerMy Profile

  12. I’m pretty sure that men who do ballet wear those under their tights.
    tracy@sellabitmum recently posted..I’m This BigMy Profile

  13. Yeah, that’s WAY worse than padded bras. Because our boob size does not have a DIRECT affect on their sexual enjoyment. (and whoever started that vicious rumor that size doesn’t matter is a dirty, dirty liar. I’m just saying.) The butt enhancer is weird but the penis enhancer would get someone a knee to the groin.
    dysfunctional mom recently posted..Sexy ChickMy Profile

  14. Tasha W says:

    LMAO! Interesting post to say the least! You took the words right out of my mouth! LOL I’m your newest follower;)
    Tasha W recently posted..Going Through Changes~ Spring Blog Makeover!My Profile

  15. I don’t need to see a bulge. But…but, if he seems to get a little uhm…excited…and things start to grow. Well in that case if I see an outline of what’s to come and it looks..oh I don’t know…like a small vienna sausage instead of nice plump sweet Italian sausage? I may laugh and leave.
    Mary Kirkland recently posted..Tarantula HawkMy Profile

  16. Hysterical! I’ve never been a fan of the wonderbra either… overkill, I say, but most of my bras are padded. In part because mine are small and in part because as a teacher, I just don’t need the students to know when I’m cold… a little padding goes a LONG way in that department.

    I’m totally pulling a double standard here… no…just no for guys!
    Sorta Southern Single Mom recently posted..Friday Fragments: Mish MoshMy Profile

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