Spanx Me

I know that I’m a sexy bitch…

Unfortunately this sexy bitch has had her body stretched to the brink by four children in the past seven years, which has caused much jiggle and trunk junk…

Jiggle ain’t pretty…especially since I’m going to one of my oldest bestest friend’s wedding tomorrow and I found a dress that is going to make Eric so freaking hot for me I’m afraid he’s going to burst into flame the moment he sets eyes on me…so Holly* had to think of a way to hold the jiggle in…

Enter the Spanx…

Holy shitballs, are these things amazing! I’ve heard people** talking about them for years and I’ve bought knock off ones, but these real deal bitches are crazy….

When I tried them on it was like I was stuffing my big fat ass into Hope’s 4t sized dress…but damn! Did I look smoking hot by the time I was all tucked away***…

There was however one thing that puzzled me…so I called my cousin Taryn-who is well versed in Spanx-to quiz her on the one peculiarity I couldn’t figure out…

Here is what I’m talking about….

Do you see it****? It’s a hole in the crotch…and it was there on purpose…look at how big it is! I can see right through it…

Hmmm…after thinking it over on the drive home I figured out what it was! Yes! I call Taryn to confirm with her my thoughts on the crotch hole…

Duh! It’s to air out my vagina! Yes! Because the Spanx are so tight the makers don’t want your cha cha getting all sweaty and thus inviting those darn yeastie beasties to take residence…so the hole is just for air…I am so smart!

Except Taryn informs me I’m not…

Get this…

It’s a pee hole.

A pee hole. A. Pee. Hole.  For me to pee out of.  While I’m still wearing the Spanx.  I’m going to have to pee out of hole cut out of my restrictive undergarments while still wearing said garments.  And I have to admit…it makes sense.  Because this hot mama? Will absolutely not be able to wrestle with that piece of underwear all freaking night every time I have to go to the bathroom*****.

But I’m going to have a totally open vagina.  Just hanging out under my dress.  Enjoying the breeze…and then I’m going to be peeing through a hole in my underwear…

Just in case we’re not all clear on this I’m going to be peeing through a hole in my underwear at one of my best friend’s wedding….

Now that’s classy…

*isn’t it so fucking annoying when people like Holly refer to themselves in the third person? Who the hell does she think she is?

**read: Oprah

***it makes me yearn for college when I didn’t need Spanx thanks to a steady diet of Marlboro Lights and Diet Coke…ahh, the good old days…

****do you also see how small those bitches are? I’m still amazed that I can fit all of me in them…sure, I can’t bend or move too fast, but look! no bulgy thighs and I have a nice tight ass!

*****it’s an open bar and Eric’s designated driver…you figure it out

Comments

  1. crafty says:

    Oh my gosh, you are so funny. I laughed until I cried. Good thing I did not need my makeup anymore today. The hole makes sense but I think I am going to pass on it. I don’t know where you are but if that wedding is tomorrow in TN, I may see you there. I’ll be the one still laughing.

  2. vanessa says:

    I love Spanx, but ‘ve never used the hole. What if you miss? Then you pee on yourself? Eww.

  3. Mercurial says:

    While laughing until nearly crying my husband said, “What’s so funny?” I found I wasn’t quite prepared to tell the pee hole story…so I shoo’ed him away. Freaking hysterical.

  4. Krista says:

    hm… i’m going to have to ponder that a little while. haha! I guess it’s easier than taking them down and pulling them up, but also? hm…..

    You never fail to crack me up, by the way.

  5. I love me some SPANX. SPANX helped me fit into my babysitter’s prom dress for a costume party AND kept things all tucked in during my sister’s wedding this summer. They also turned out to be a nice sweat absorber. It was 106* during the outdoor ceremony!

  6. I have never tried Spanx and Lord knows I need to.
    I think the pee hole is awesome, but I think I’d have to wear panties over it because I don’t like the feeling of going commando……hanging in the breeze……….

  7. Cassandra says:

    That reminds me of what Larry the Cable Guy said once (please keep in mind, second hand stories are never as funny as they are coming from the horses mouth)

    My frustrated wife decided our sex life needed alittle spicing up. So, after work she went shopping and picked up a fancy pair of crotchless panties. She went home and slid the new garment on and selected a short skirt to go with it.

    She greeted me when I came home from work and sat down on the couch across from me. She slowly spread her legs… then said “Honey would you like some of this?” I took a moment, then said “Hell no, look what it’s done to your underwear!”

  8. Camille says:

    TOO FUNNY!!!! Oh my gosh.

  9. Kristin says:

    Let Kristin tell you a story. About 18 months ago, I had to squeeze my sweaty ass into Spanx so I could wear a dress to a wedding. Except it wasn’t Spanx, it was some other friggin’ brand that didn’t think up the genius idea of a friggin’ pee hole. Oh, did I mention that this sausage casing was a full body suit? Like it was from above the knee to like my cleavage…and it was so hard to get on that I was like, oh hell no, I cannot go to the bathroom in this thing, cause I’ll be rolling around on the bathroom floor for like 20 minutes trying to slide my body back into this godforsaken garment. So, what did I do? I nursed ONE SINGLE GLASS of wine all evening so that I wouldn’t have to pee. Argh.

  10. Molly says:

    Yeah dude, the Pee Hole is KEY! The first few times I had to make my sister hold my dress and hand me toilet paper while I went “OMG. Is it working? Am I peeing on myself?? WHAT IS GOING ON!”

  11. I am totally picturing your vag hangin outta that thing…like a mouth through a ski mask. Airing itself out, gettig pee’d through, maybe asking to get the shit banged outta it while it’s out there and available…

    We totally need pics! Not of the hangin’ vag, but of your sexy-ass self in that Spanxy outfit!

    ;)

    • crafty says:

      Oh you girls are just too hilarious, there goes my eye makeup again. I told this story at the wedding I attended last night in the dressing room. All the women we laughing

  12. Mark says:

    You should congratulate me. I made it through that post even though you mentioned “vagina” like 4 billion times. Okay, maybe just twice but that was plenty. Give a poor Gay a break!
    My advice, don’t wear underwear. Who would know unless you get out of the car like Brittney Spears.
    m.

  13. I would totally pee all of myself. There is no way I could pee through that tiny hole.

  14. Erica@PLRH says:

    Yea, my mind went totally someplace else.

  15. Hidalinab says:

    You crack me up…Now I want to buy and wear a spanx just to know how it feels to pee out of an undergarment…..Even thinking of peeing standing!!! lolololol…..

  16. Ally says:

    ROFL! Actually I didn’t know they were making them with the pee hole now, but I have read stories of the frustration of people trying to get in and out of them to pee, so it DOES make sense, right? But I’d totally end up peeing on myself.

  17. K says:

    You should probably use the hole. My friend chose not to…….. and broke her finger trying to get her spanx down to pee. Then could not get them back up because her finger hurt so much. So she spent the rest of the night jiggly, bare crotched, and in pain. Use the hole :)

  18. Tiffany says:

    Maybe this goes against “the people’s” rules but I wear underwear over the spanx so my hoo-ha isn’t hanging out! Unless I’m wearing hose or tights…then nothing. :)

  19. Annie says:

    Be careful not to pull a Snookie or Deena and let your cooka hang out ;)

  20. Tiffany Cruz says:

    You always make me laugh. Love you and your blog! Thanks for the funny picture of the pee hole!

  21. Jessica says:

    If these things just squish everything and send some perk to my butt I would be thrilled and happily pee through a hole. You are hilarious as always. BTW, I’ve been reading but never can comment on your blog from my ipad, no idea why.

  22. Holly says:

    Hot damn, I need to get me a pair of those bad girls.

  23. Boobies says:

    So tell me…how did peeing go? Successful?

  24. So does it work? Peeing through that hole?

  25. Ashley S says:

    I think that was absolute best damn review I have ever read! It will definitely have Spanx forever etched in my mind! You crack me up Holly, and I hope you had good luck peeing in the hole in your SpanX!

  26. JB says:

    Did anyone successfully pee through them? Tips? I’m at work and wearing one for the first time…my bladder is bursting…. but I’m afraid I’ll pee all over myself. Help!

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  1. [...] I’m going to pretend that when everyone left comments on the Spanx post and tweeted me asking if I had managed to pee through the hole it’s because you all wanted to [...]

  2. [...] Spanx. Because now even fat chicks like me can look damn good in that little black [...]

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