Like I Don’t Do Enough

Everyone knows that the stay at home has many jobs. To prove this I will now tell you that I am the chauffeur, chef, maid (kinda, sorta), launderer, lunch packer, boo boo kisser, teeth brusher….you get the idea…

However, I never thought I’d be on the police squad. Not the normal break up fights between the kids police squad, oh no, this is a whole new unit.

I am now an unhappy member of the poop police. Yes, I’m serious. There is not a person in this house that poops without my involvement…

Let’s go down the list, shall we?

My Loving Husband. What the hell is up with him? I would think that with his self prescribed high fiber diet his bowels would be able to take place without me knowing about it. I would think wrong. Eric takes so long to go that he jokes about taking an unscheduled shit if I don’t know about it and make a fuss. But in my defense, if I’m in a rush to get somewhere and all of a sudden he decides he has to go, my whole time frame is thrown off, then I get crabby, I yell at the kids, and I’m doing the work I had set aside for him to do (i.e.-brushing kids teeth) to get out the door on time. Seriously, Eric’s bowels stress me out, and since he knows he stresses me out, he’s probably more stressed out and causing Irritable Bowel Syndrome, it’s a catch 22. And I know you’re thinking I should let him go in peace….well, take those crazy thoughts elsewhere..

My First Born Son. Why won’t he wash his hands? Why? If Blake’s been in the bathroom for more than a minute I demand to know if he went pee or poop. He’s always honest with me, then pitches a fit when I demand to smell his hands. And guess what? They always smell like poop. Always. You would think by now he’d figure it out and just wash his damn hands…nope…so freaking gross.

My Jackie Jacks. Jack is almost five, and he has man poops. Seriously. He poops like his dad. But he always positions himself on the toilet so that the shit is never in the water. Nope, it hangs on the side of the bowl, stinking up the place. And no matter how many times I beg him, Jack refuses to flush. So if I don’t catch him going, it could be hours before that toilet gets flushed, and then I have to go in and scrub off the hanger onners. At least he washes his hands….

My Disgusting Diva. Need I remind you of the Poop Soup? Hope also is fond of scraping her butt across the toilet seat and leaving a trail of poop behind, kind of like a demented Gretal. Not that I use the kids bathroom if I can help it, but there have been times I’ve sat in her leftovers and visibly recoiled….and once in a while I come across her markings and Jack’s leavings at the same time…yes!

My Baby Girl. Corn. Need I say more?

And just for the record, I don’t poop. And if I did, it would obviously smell like lilacs and jasmine…just ask Eric…

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  1. RacersMommy says:

    OMG best blog ever about poop!!!! There are nine in this house and 8 of them poop, because like you mommy never ever does that gross stuff lol

  2. Mama Marchand says:

    Fabulous post. Since becoming a mama, I'm obsessed with poop. It's gross but so true. Hilarious!

  3. Dysfunctional Mom says:

    I think I spend half of my life waiting on my husband to take a crap.
    At my house you actually have to hold the flusher down for a minute to make sure it flushes, and my kids are WAY too busy for this, what with all the important stuff they have to do like watching SpongeBob. So their toilet is almost never flushed.
    Not that I poop or anything, but if I did I would be in & out in 2 minutes and leave no trace. It's not that hard, people!

  4. KAE says:

    Holy crap! You make me laugh on a daily freaking basis! Really, I think we could be best friends!

  5. myevil3yearold says:

    Male poop is the worst. Boo and super hubby have the same schedule. Luckily, we have two bathrooms but that stinks up both ends of ths house and Evil and i are stuck because no way are we going in there for at keast an hour.

  6. sjk says:

    lmao,this is such a "mom" post.I about died laughing because its sooooo true!I wait for everfor my man to take a dump and its always at the worst possible time,then I have one who always needs wiped and thatchild poops like 5 times a damn day and the other smells worse than a cow and the entire house stinks when her diaper gets changed lol

  7. Lyn says:

    Oh my god, Holly, I'm still wiping tears off my cheeks from laughing so hard. Poop sometimes dictates our agenda for the day, because god forbid the 8:30am and 3:30pm time slots get thrown off-schedule, my man gets a bit testy. Thank god I have 3 girls!!!

  8. Shell says:

    I long for the day when the only poop I have to deal with is my own.

    And of course, I don't poop either…so that means ZERO poop.

  9. Holly says:

    You made me totally laugh out loud. I am so glad I found your blog. It keeps me smiling.

  10. Ramona says:

    SOOOO FUNNY!!! We have major poop issues in my house too. so glad mim not the only one whose husband's pooping habits make mommy super craby!!!m lmao

  11. Shannon says:

    OMG Holly, I am right there with you with the husband and poops throwing off the whole schedule! Love your openness :)

  12. momof4inNY says:

    You are a RIOT!!! My oldest son has a "3:00 dump"–I kid you not, this child runs in the house after school yelling–get out of the bathroom!!! Then my youngest son, this child NEVER flushes the toilet! He's great about washing his hands, he will wash them before he gets in the darn tub!! My Mother always laughs when she comes because she's afraid to flush the toilet–there's always a ton of toilet paper in there from my youngest!!!!!

  13. Vanilla Mama says:

    You are too funny! LOVE IT! When we were potty training my oldest, he would not use the house bathroom to poop – he would find corner and do his business. If we were at the store, no problem – he would poop on the toliet! I tell you the truth – I was NEVER home while I was potty training him! Finally went on vacation for a week and that cured him! -haha-

  14. Lacey says:

    All I can say is I'm in big trouble with 4 boys PLUS daddy!!

  15. Anonymous says:

    OMG! Best poop post ever! I almost woke up 5 sleeping kids in the room laughing!

    I have to add…I don't have to wait for hubby to go, when he has to go he HAS TO GO…makes a beeline and EXPLODES…then N E V E R cleans up. Nothing like taking a small kiddo in to go ( I do childcare), lifting the lid and seeing the splatter effects. TICKS ME OFF!

  16. MommyLovesStilettos says:

    BAHAHAHAHA! I Love this!!! :)

  17. sodahoney says:

    I just joined your blog and if this is a sample I will be a loyal follower.

    My 8 yr old granddaughter and 6 yr old grandson strip naked and squat standing on the toilet seat. Lol

    But years ago I started the pee police no man may pee in my bathroom standing.
    My grandsons all proclaim their sitting intentions while heading toward my bathroom.
    Guest have heard this proclamation and I have explained the rule. Now male quests announce loudly "I will sit".

  18. Missy (& various in Transplant blog) says:

    Haha!! We are more alike than I thought. And my son has "hard poops" at times and sounds WORSE than I was during back labor with my oldest (who was almost 9 pounds popping out a *before preggo* 100 pound mama)..I swear, you'd think he was having a 10-pounder.

    Hubby can really reek the place. Not JUST the bathroom..The entire upstairs. Makes me want to convert the shed in to an outhouse.

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