Ways To Relax

Get up… make breakfast…take the kids to school…look after the one that’s sick…iron…cook…listen to them moan about my cooking…get them to bed…get them back to bed – I know, it sounds like every mother’s/ housewife’s day, but we have to have somewhere to have a good moan don’t we – I mean none of the kids or the husband are listening!

Okay, moaning makes us feel a little more relaxed, but I know that if we’re not going to open that bottle of wine and finish it in one sitting (or do I mean Vodka), then we damn well need to find some better ways of relaxing . So I decided to do just that, to go out there and ask some more “notperfectmoms” exactly how they get rid of the stresses of the day when they finally get the kids in bed or, even better, get a night without them – so here goes!

Beer and Board Game Night

My first thought was stuff the board games – but I was wrong – it’s a perfect combination. If the only game you’re used to playing (and losing) is how to get your kids to do what they want – then bring on Games Night! Sure down a couple of cold ones first to take the edge off – then get stuck in with a bit of Wii sport which is great for taking the aggression out on. I just tend to imagine the ball is one of the kid’s heads (kind of joking) but it doesn’t half focus the mind. A few more beers and it’s time to bring out Twister and have a great laugh as you die trying to prove you’re as flexible as a teenage newly- wed.

Cocktail Night

Okay, if you really do want to skip the games and get straight to the alcohol – then this has to be the way forward! Get really organised and find some great cocktails in a book or online and then tell each friend what alcohol they need to bring to the party. Whilst they’re doing that, sort out a menu for your guests and get in all the mixers, crushed ice, paper umbrellas, cherries etc. you’re going to need to make it feel like you’re in one of the swankiest cocktail bars in town.

Bingo

I just couldn’t believe how popular bingo is amongst mums and housewives nowadays. I mean people still go out to play, but apparently the online bingo has become a global pastime with people organising house parties where friends team up to try and win massive cash prizes and jackpots. Even better, loads of mums have been telling me that online bingo sites like Butlers offer some great incentives and free bets to new customers. There are also loads of chat-rooms and forums where you can increase your social media friends with other people just trying to grab a little relaxing fun between all the rubbish they have to deal with.

Come Dine With Me Competition

When someone first mentioned this, the idea of cooking sounded about as much fun as a bikini wax. But, after closer inspection I thought – okay so you’re going to have cook one big, lavish meal for some friends, but, just think, how many friends are going to cook for you after. If you’ve never seen the show, all you have to do is cook your friends a three-course meal which, after eating it, your friends will mark you out of ten. When you’ve all cooked, the winner is the one with the most marks – but it isn’t about who wins!

 

Dinner for Ungrateful Brats Served Here

I’ve talked about my kids assholery here before…

They’re assholes for peeing on me, for telling Wal Mart employees my vagina is hairy, and for making fun of my fat ass in the shower, amongst many other assholery things…

But almost every night I get a big dose of it….and man…it makes me crazy…

It all starts like this…


(did you notice my new hair?)

But then this happens…


Brooke isn’t pictured because she doesn’t have the words to bitch at me…but when she throws her full plate back at me I know she’s on their side…

Do you know how hard it is to cook for ungrateful little people judging your culinary skills nightly? And as my mom used to tell me and my siblings…it’s not a fucking diner…so I refuse to make them anything else…

Am I all alone here? Or do all of your kids lap up every morsel you serve them?

Or do you all just rotate spaghetti, tacos, and quesadillas every night?

 

The Most Uncomfortable Ass Wax Ever

ass wax

Okay, I know what you’re thinking*…. Is there any ass wax that isn’t uncomfortable? And to that I answer, um….not really… I’m a pretty mellow person and open person…especially after having four children and thus having all sort of strangers messing with Veronica, so to me, vaginas aren’t a big deal…once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen [...]

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The Ass Ache

hand on butt

Almost every morning I wake up with my ass on fire* courtesy of Eric. It’s because we fall asleep like this… Every night we go to sleep face to feet so we can rub each other’s feet and tushies while we talk… And inevitably Eric gets his hand up my undies to the top of [...]

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Not Even I Can Make Public Urination Cool

avalanche

I used to really be able to take it*… But a few weeks ago I realized that I’m not longer able to hang…. I never thought of myself as getting older, but the fair proved me wrong…yes, the very same fair that wouldn’t allow ketchup… I’ve always loved thrill rides. Turn me upside down, zoom [...]

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No Guns No Ketchup

Fairgrounds

One of the only reasons I think I keep my kids around is because they amuse the fuck out of me…. Most of the time they’re whining and demanding things like food and drink and thus causing me to hide out in the bathroom with my Kindle Fire begging to be left alone due to [...]

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